magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

it's not a crush, exactly. there is a small sense of sort of misplaced feelings of that sort, having not spoken to stef in over a month, being so far away, my feelings are ungrounded in a way, not able to directly feel any direct reciprocation, and settle themselves on something closer. but that is only a very small part of it. or, more accurately, that's probably the root of the whole thing, but the sense of a crush, of romantic longing of any sort is really only a faint glow around the edges of it. it is mostly just a desire to feel close to someone. to have someone to talk to. but also some want of exclusivity, there is certainly some degree of local jealousy involved. the need to feel special. for acknowledgement of that status.

it's really just some sort of crossing of wires, i think. the drive for friendship always has the potential to get a little convoluted with the drive for something more, and there is a little of that happening, but it's being held back by the knowledge that i'm part of a couple, that someone is filling that niche in my life, even if it doesn't exactly feel like it on a day to day basis.

chris.k told me over the summer that he knew i didn't want to hear it, but he was sure that i would be involved in some sort of cenci soap opera. i can see the potential for that. i hope that this doesn't move more in that direction.

encouragingly, little things have been making me feel a bit more at peace with the status of my relationship with stef. i dreamt about her this morning, for the first time that i can remember in quite a while. i was home with her and it only felt like days since our last email exchange and i was wondering what we had gotten so worked up over.

and making dinner, i was listening to neutral milk hotel, a large part of the soundtrack to my last spring semester and the first stirrings of feelings between us. it made me think of that, and of the happy bits of being together. it calmed me, and i really, really wish that she could feel that same sense of calm.