magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

i took my cd player apart a couple of weeks ago. ostensibly to somehow permanently hold down the part of the latch mechanism that has to be held down for the cd player to actually work. the latch had loosened, and the player would often stop if only jostled slightly. however, once i had it in pieces, and found that it still worked that way, i decided to leave it. the coolest new "feature" is that with the esp shock protection you can take the cd off and it will continue playing for up to forty seconds.

this afternoon i was listening to antarctica, but decided that i'd rather be listening to something else. rather than stopping the cd player i just popped the cd off and let it continue to play while i rifled through my cds. i chose the secret stars' self titled cd, and popped it into place just as the forty seconds were running out. it started playing at the part of the cd corresponding to where the antarctica cd left off. halfway through the song "apart".

Messy as always, I trip on your laundry, leaving your t-shirt on my floor. I'm wearing it always. It smells like your hair does when you turn fast towards the door.

last spring i had photocopied these lyrics from the song, blown them up to fill a letter-sized page, and put them up on the wall of my studio. the first photo that i have of stef, taken a couple of days before we were together, has these words clearly visible in the background.

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we invited a bunch of the cornell kids over for a potluck tonight. after dinner things sort of turned into a bit of a dance party and i took on my familiar wallflower role. last weekend i think i was a little more talkative at their party, and then went out and danced until four in the morning at black, black, black. maybe it was because it was early in the year and i was still working off of my new year's resolution to "get out more". or maybe it was because i had a few drinks in me. and maybe it was because i wasn't caught up in as much other stuff as i am tonight.

some combination most likely. i've noticed a little waning in my new year's resolution. i wasn't drinking tonight at all. and i've been waffling pretty heavily between worrying about my relationship with stef and feeling okay with things.

emailed er!n and talked with lindsey about the latter of these things tonight. lindsey's going through a lot of similar stuff with her boyfriend back home. and i think she's dealing better with it this semester. which gives me hope, that everything could sort of fall in towards the bits where i'm feeling good about things.