magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

[the following is transcribed, unedited, from a video recorded at about one-thirty in the afternoon, shortly after reading two emails from stef.]

so i don't know if i have the motor control to type or even write. i don't think so, because amongst the couple of emails that i just got from stef there were two from er!n asking me for my phone number who was apparently trying to call me at exactly the same time that stef was writing all this stuff last night and i wrote back just a one line email with my phone number to er!n and i could hardly get my fingers to move correctly on the keyboard.

some of this is being over-dramatic.. um, because i am.. horribly over-dramatic. that's one thing that i know i always have the capability of doing. and right now i am.. almost feeling like i should be more dramatic than i am actually feeling like i.. am. or, i'm feel that.. no. i have a.. hole in the.. in the middle of me. which is.. it's you know, feels like there's a big hole, right in the middle of me. and i..

i don't know. i.. i.. can't figure out what i want out of all this. i, um..

i was talking yesterday with lindsey about the voices, that.. the sort of stereotypical angel and devil voices in the back of my head. and.. um.. they're kind of not quite so clear cut right now. and the two immediate responses i have are.. are that i should.. just do whatever. go meet these girls in florence. and, and meet new girls. and.. i can't do that. and the other voice, the other voice is saying, "you shouldn't do anything, so that you can be.. can be the.. the higher moral ground here." what the fuck is that about? so that i can feel even more uncomfortable about her past if.. if and when..

i don't.. i don't know. i really, i really don't.. fucking know. and i can't..

what, what the fuck am i supposed to do? what.. she says, "can we start emailing again because i miss the.." what am i supposed to say? fuck you, you stupid bitch? i mean.. that you've hurt me more than.. i could possibly ever express in words. more than i can even comprehend. i mean, i can't.. i don't even feel hurt, i just.. although my heart's beating probably about three times as fast as it's supposed to and i'm sweating and shaking and..

and what am i.. what am i supposed to think when i.. you know, am i supposed to take your pictures down? do i want to? do i want to see them to be reminded of.. good things? do i want to see them to, to remind me that.. that i should be pissed? that i..

i mean, i guess, i guess i'm glad that i know. better than not knowing. i don''t know.. i don't know how i will affect me feeling.. my feeling bad about seeing.. about seeing the.. potential for relationships with other people. i mean, that's what i was really feeling bad about. i wasn't feeling bad that i was attracted to other people. and i wasn't feeling bad that i had any sorts of thoughts other than the ones that were like, "maybe they'd be a compatible long-term partner." that's what i was feeling bad about. 'cause that's.. that's, that's all i have ever really looked for. you know, i haven't looked for little things to fill that hole. that, that gap. that.. and.. i don't want little things, i want big things. and, i had thought that i had possibly found something. that.. fuck.

i.. i don't know.. i don't know if i want to talk about it with anyone. or if i want to just curl up and try to cry. or if i want to go out and wander around the little back streets of the city. or.. break bottles. or.. i don't know.. or, call my parents, you know. although it's what, six in the morning over there? but.. i don't.. i don't know what to.. to think, to do, to say, to..

i don't even know how to interpret her words exactly. i mean, it seems like there were.. basically two things she was saying in the email. one was, "i still want to be with you in the long term. and i love you. and.. i want to start emailing with you again now and blah blah blah fucking whatever." and the other one was, "i've slept with five people in the last couple of months. but the current one is consistent, so i'm gonna stop with this one because it's gonna keep me from sleeping with any more, so i still want to be with you in may but i don't know if i will because i'm actually seeing this other person now."

fucking whatever. i mean.. and here i am, getting all stressed out, and.. and feeling like an awful person because i have, like, these little attractions for people.. that probably nothing will ever fucking happen with because i never peruse those things because i'm a fucking spineless introvert. and yet.. i'm feeling bad that i'm thinking these thoughts. and.. and.. and meanwhile you're doing the one thing that would really hurt me more than.. than anything. and i don't know if that's something that i'm really going to be able to get over, because i've had such a hard time already.. reconciling myself.. with your past..

i mean, before this whole current.. whatever, you had slept with twenty-five people. i've been with two.. and when i was with you.. i consoled myself with the thought that i was the, the cap on the end of that twenty-five. and that didn't necessarily make it.. really easier, but sort of, i mean, it.. and i'm not now.. and i never will be.

and.. i never will be.