magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

i woke in the middle of the night and there was a brief period before the memories of all this came flooding back to me. suffocating me.

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i can't believe that i'm thinking about you and wishing with all the heart that i have left that things will turn out okay, while right now at this exact same moment you might very well be lying in someone else's arms. how can you ask me to tell you that everything's going to be okay? how could everything ever be okay again?

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just after midnight last night i called er!n. er!n has been so sweet the last week or so, sending me little bits of love in my email. she was probably the voice of reason in all this. she told me that i deserve better. that stef is being the most stereotypical guy. and i'm being the stereotypical girl thinking that i can change her, but that you can never change people. "eight months is a long time," she said, "i'll give her that. but when it's about choosing love over just sex it's not that hard."

and yet i don't think i can let go. but is that because of love? or because i'm afraid of being alone?