magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

i'm sitting in my studio listening to depressing music again. resisting the urge to go and sit in lindsey's studio as she reads even though she told me that i could if i ever didn't want to be alone. and she walks into mine, "i think i'm going to get some lunch. what are you listening to?" and she walks over to the window and looks out. she tells me she's planning on working in the darkroom tomorrow. she says she's got a freckle or something on the back of her hand that is worrying her. she holds her hand across my table. i take it in my own. "it might just be a scratch," i say. my skin is touching her skin and i don't want to let go.

i know these feelings are only being stirred up so much because things with stef are uncertain (at least). lindsey has a boyfriend back home, although they're not talking. "anger and apathy will get me through this semester," she's said. she's taken his pictures down. she's looking, although half-heartedly and not for anything long term. she's gone out with an italian guy a couple of times. we've talked about crushes and i've read way too much into everything she's said. about the boys on ehp, "well, justin and paolo and ryan have girlfriends, and matt's gay. that's four less than an already small number." i noticed i wasn't part of that list. about the italian guy, "he's twenty-six, i remember thinking, 'that's way too old for me.' but you.." and she paused as if to find the words that would say, "you don't seem that old," without implying, "you don't seem too old for me."

i've dreamt about her the past two nights as well. that i was more open about expressing my crush. but i don't think that i really want to. even if it was a little bit reciprocal i wouldn't really expect anything to happen. and out in the open it would probably only complicate things as they are now, we have become friends and she's one of the people in the cenci who i fell comfortable talking to.