magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

prelude:

"you know i would never say anything mean about you on my website."

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emily.a says:

"you must really care about her. if someone did that to me i'd make them come to italy, beg on their knees, be my slave. and you're like, 'i want her to go to therapy so that she'll get better.' i wish you didn't care about someone so crappy. or, someone who does such crappy things...

"in a really tragic and depressing way that's one of the most romantic things i've ever heard."

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stef says:

"i was really telling you to help myself as usual. I need you to help me. Please. Im totally fucked up and youre the only one that knows me enough to help. I love you trly forever, I always will -s"

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chris.k says:

"regardless of whatever impressions stef may be giving you about the confused feelings of love she still has for you, and regardless of how true these impressions may be, she's fucking you over bad. you obviously know this. i know it's not as simple as 'people who really love each other don't do this sort of thing to each other'--people are too complex to boil down like that, but some part of that statement (i don't know which part exactly) must still be germane."

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interlude:

I know. I know. Fret not, my bean. -L

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george says:

"compulsive liars, kleptomaniacs, they really can't help themselves. i've seen it. therapy is a good idea. if she really is pathological, i don't know her, but if she is, it won't make things okay, but it might make you, and her, feel better to know."

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and i really do want to help her. i want to do everything in my power to make things as close as they possibly can be to okay. i feel like maybe i'm stupid for wanting this. that i'm too nice and being taken advantage of. i'm still afraid that i might only be holding on for fear of being alone, or of wasting the last five months worth of wishing and waiting. but i really do think that i still love her, that i still want to be with her. that i don't want to let her ruin this. but i don't want to let her walk all over me either.

of course all this is confused while working in the darkroom. the desire to reach out and brush my hand against lindsey's cheek when she comes over to use the paper cutter. the desire to tell her everything when she asks what i think would make things easier right now.