magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

"the comfort that i seek only undermines the validity of my deeper longings."

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to stef:

so i feel like i have to confess to you. that i have to tell you everything about this crush that i'm feeling. that's fucked up in a way. nothing has happened. and even if it had, it still wouldn't really be wrong. or nearly as wrong. but i'm going to tell you anyway, because i need to, because i still feel guilty, i still feel bad about it.

lindsey is one of the few people who hasn't told me flat out that i should end things with you. she is the first person here that i told after i got your emails. the first person anywhere that i told. she knows every thing that i know except what i feel for her. and still, she entertains my notions about staying with you.

but whenever i'm with her, even when i'm talking about how much i want to be with you, i want her to touch me, i want her to hold me. and i guess it's not hard to figure out why. i started having little crush like feelings on her towards the end of last semester. after some email from you (i think) i asked her if we could talk. i knew that she had been going through similar (up until that point) things with her boyfriend who was back home in phoenix. it was nice talking to her. we exchanged little bits and pieces of things and collaged them into our own art. we may have flirted a little, but it was all completely innocent, because as far as either of us knew at that point we were both in long term relationships that were going to continue after our time in rome was over.

when she went home for christmas break, she had problems with her boyfriend. and as i said on my site, claimed that anger and apathy would get her through this semester. she took all his photos down and resolved not to call him. and she sort of start looking for something short term, i think, in a way, to sort of distance herself even further from him.

in the last couple of weeks she's been my main confidant here. and my little feelings for her have deepened. but i know that they are mainly reactionary. the reflex to want someone else because you have someone else. and also because i want to feel protected, and she has been so nice and supportive, and it's not a long stretch between the two. but of course i don't want anything short term to fill the void. partly because that's not part of who i am, and partly because i can't be asking you to stop seeing someone if i start doing just that.

---

i've been reading the my emails to stef out loud to lindsey. for another ear. for someone to tell me that i'm not crazy. for commiseration. i was sitting in her studio when i wrote the email which is excerpted above. the latter two thirds of the email go on to address specifically comments and questions from stef's last few emails. lindsey was writing in her journal while i was typing.

"i don't know if i can read you today's email," i said. "although i want to."

and eventually, later, i did read her the rest of it, but not the part above. we talked about the rest of it. i was sitting in her chair. she was on her bed. my laptop was open between us. "what do you keep typing?" she asked.

"nothing. i'm just fidgeting. i want to read the first third of the email, but it would be too weird."

"i don't read very well, but.." and she motioned me over.

i handed her the laptop. "it's weird this way too." and waited for her to finish reading it.

"it's funny how you can know things, but not admit them to yourself. i was writing the same thing in my journal today, while you were sitting in my studio."

"writing that."

---

it sort of got to the point where i had to say something. the voice in my head saying things like, "you know, lindsey's pretty cool," kept getting louder and louder. there's really no solution though.

and i'll definitely be jealous if she gets involved with anyone. but i don't really have any grounds for that. i'm not offering her an alternative because i still want to try and make things work with stef.