magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

yesterday, because i seemed upset, lindsey and sarah.b and her boyfriend hal, who is here visiting for a week, gave me an early valentine. and so i felt like i should make something for at least the three of them for today, and started working on that early this morning, and then of course there was the whole grade school guilt where you feel like you have to make a valentine for everyone, so i made all these little teeny flower drawings and put them in people's boxes.

went to tivoli, a trip that i missed while i was in the hospital last november, with the same three people. gave them their little flowers in person. i had also made a somewhat more expressive valentine for lindsey, but carried it around with me all day, not knowing if i wanted to give it to her or not.

later, i talked with lindsey about stef. i had written earlier in the afternoon:

i had remembered stef saying that it felt too much like commitment to be dating someone on her birthday and so always pushed people away before that. she corrected me and said no, it's valentine's day (a week and a half prior). i told her that she wouldn't get away with pushing me away, but it looks like she has.

she had this incredibly special, amazing, wonderful person totally committed to her, and then threw that way.

and in a way, that's not something that she's ever going to get back. i took her photos down first thing this morning, valentine's day. it will never be that same way again.

and as it has since that email, talking with lindsey about stef turned into talking with lindsey about lindsey. and i gave her the valentine.

when she got up to leave i felt a little tug of pain. i realized later that it was born out of the fear that maybe next time things will be different.