magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

i wrote to sarah.t, stef's sister, last night. i said i haven't heard from stef, i'm worried, i don't know who else to ask. she wrote back today. she knew some of what was going on and was surprised when stef told her. she said stef is okay.

she said that she didn't want to get in the middle of it, which is a position that i wouldn't want to put her in either, although my first impulses after reading her email were to do just that. to tell her my side, to ask her to explain the inconsistencies in stef's actions. (not that she could, but that maybe she would then bring them up with stef.) she said she'd tell stef that i was asking about her, if that was okay with me. and i feel that i shouldn't even try to explain my position on that. if i say yes, tell her, in a way i am putting sarah in the middle. if i say no, don't, that is somewhat inconsistent with my desire to be completely honest, and i'd feel that i would have to explain why. so i thanked her for telling me that stef is okay, and left it up to her as to whether or not to tell stef i was asking.

in a way this is nothing more than i already knew. it seemed to me that there were basically three reasons why stef would not be talking to me. one, and the most likely, was that she just didn't want to. either because she feels that talking to me will only hurt me more (she might be wrong in that thought, she's doing a good job of hurting me as she is) or that it would only make her feel worse about what she's doing. two, and this is beyond improbable, but the thought keeps popping up in the back of my mind, is that she bought a plane ticket and is just going to show up here one of these days while she's on break. and three is that something bad has happened, but it seems that i would have heard something from someone if that was the case.

and so this is really not any new information, except for the certainty of it. but i feel awful knowing. that she really has no excuse. that she really is simply pushing me away. that she "wins". that she is successfully removing what was quite possibly the best thing she's ever had from her life.

i asked lindsey if i could talk to her, she said in a little bit, and then i left the cenci. i walked around the tiber island a few times. sat on a rock and thought out loud. cried a little. two or three tears, the most i've cried since i last talked to stef on the phone in december. i feel like i should cry, but i can't.

got some pizza for dinner. watched the cats at largo argentina for a while. then came back to the cenci and sat in my dark studio. lindsey came in after a little while.

i told her about sarah.t's email. we talked about stef. and again, the talk turned to us. and i'm worried, because she has become a constant, glowing red dot on the mental map that i have of my surroundings. part of me feels like i should be pushing her away, because i'm feeling too much. that the ability to push stef out of my mind at all has only come because of the fact that i'm replacing those thoughts with something else. that in my perfect world stef may have kissed that boy at the artist ball, but would have at that point really decided that that was a road that she didn't want to take, and would have remained committed to me for the rest of this separation. in my second choice... "this morning at some point on our art history tour i was standing behind you, and i just wanted to be able to put my arms around you and kiss the back of your neck."

"that's a sweet thought."

"i want you in my mental map. i like knowing that you are there. i just wish that you were not as distracting. a calm, friendly colour."

"if you know how i could do that..."

the only way that i know how, and i can't even say for certain that it would work, would be if i could reach out to her. to put my arms around her. to take her hand when we are sitting next to one another. to touch her cheek before saying goodnight. for the next two and a half months at least, to be in a stable place in reference to her life. so that i won't feel that tug of pain when she gets up to leave. so that i won't worry that she'll find a part-time cornell boy (which she keeps telling me is what she is looking for) and that things between us will then be forever different.

i said that i would definitely be jealous if she found anyone else here. but that i wasn't offering her an alternative. in the intervening ten days stef has made it hard for me to want to hold on any more. i still can't say how i'm going to react to seeing her in person. but right now, i'm offering lindsey that alternative. and she doesn't want it.

i would like to think that it is because she is afraid that it would be too serious. which is flattering, in a way, but not a good reason to turn something down.

or, that she is afraid that it won't work out and that we'll never be able to get back to the nice feeling that we have with each other. but, if she finds another boy, it will just as certainly change whatever it is we have now.

and maybe it's just that there's another boy that she's more attracted to. and she doesn't want to say this to me.