magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

i mentioned the secret stars song "apart" a few weeks ago. in one of stef's emails that started this whole current thing she said "that song bean (our song as I call it in my head) always makes me want to run and grab your pile of tshirts and curl up with them on my head and sleep till you get back." i just listened to it somewhat accidentally. i had really only wanted to listen to the "hearts don't break", with the line "did you fool yourself this time / or did she simply change her mind / or did it just loose speed like worn out batteries?" but then backed up a few tracks to "apart".

i thought about calling stef. it's not even six in the morning there. and playing that song into the phone whether she answered, for greatest effect, or to her voicemail. but that seems mean in a way. sweet and mean at the same time. and is certainly not about just letting things be for the next few months.

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after dinner, lindsey came and sat down in my studio and we talked for a bit. irene walked by in the hall and lindsey asked, "so did you get a movie?"

"yeah, we're going to watch it in about five minutes."

and to me, "you want to come downstairs and watch the movie?"

"sure. and maybe afterwards i could read that poem that i couldn't find last night."

half way through the movie lindsey got up to go to bed. when it was over i went to get something from my studio, and she was still up, sitting in the upstairs bathroom, talking with a couple other kids. "hey skinny, do you have something you wanted to read to me."

"yeah, i just want to go check my email quickly."

and so there was one particular poem that i wanted to read to her that had some bearing on things that we had been talking about. about how things change. about how saying things out loud changes things. i had it printed out along with a few other poems. i ended up reading all of them. she read to me a few things that she had here. she asked if i had read any more of my novel. she told me that i could read it to her if i wanted to.

and then time for bed. i was lingering, words almost coming. "is there anything else?"

i left a note on her door. "yes, there's more. but nothing new. only.."