magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

slept until around noon. showered. ate breakfast. called stef about two.

and of course woke her up, at eight o'clock her time. but we talked for a few more hours. tried to sort more of this out.

of course i told her about last night. i did it knowing that i would tell her. which sounds mean. which is not the way i meant that. "i mean that i thought about not telling you until may. but that i knew i would have to be completely honest. that i would have to tell you."

"i love you, i love you, i love you." i said. the incantation gave me an erection.

i told her that she just needs to be the sweet girlfriend now. she needs to keep me reminded that she loves me. that she's there, and that she's waiting. i hope she really tries. i hope it's enough. for both of us.

while i was on the phone with her i saw lindsey in my head as i had seen her before all of this. as a harmless half-crush. someone to be friendly with, to maybe flirt with, but to ultimately have something else that i'm aspiring to. something that can't be broken. for the entire first semester i was completely committed to stef, and nothing could shake that. i want to feel that again. but i do want to hold on to my friendship with lindsey. that's one good thing that has come out of this.

---

this afternoon lindsey came into my studio. we talked about my phone call to stef. "i really hope she treats you well."

she told me about a dream she had last night. a bunch of ehp kids were in some sort of cemetery. i was talking to some other people and ignoring her. she thought that maybe if she bought me some trees i might pay some more attention to her. but there were all sorts of problems with buying the trees. eventually she decided to plant them for me. then i was talking to ryan (he and lindsey were together for a large part of their first two years at risd). she wanted to walk up behind me and reach out and touch my back, but was afraid that he would think we were dating.

it all sounded very sweet.

before she left to go do some work, i said, "four things. i really hope that we can get back to the cute, friendly, unthreatening thing that we had before."

"i'll try my best."

"whatever you do, whatever happens, i really hope that you're happy."

i was quiet. "that's two."

"yes it is. i'm keeping count as well. three, i really liked last night."

"me too."

"and, i want to start reading my novel to you. maybe a chapter a day."

"i was going to ask you about it again the other day. since you need to read it anyway, you might as well read it out loud to me, sitting in my studio."

---

before dinner, i read the first chapter of white on blue, my novel. which is all that i had read since writing it. and the writing is decent. i'm curious to see where it goes.

after dinner there were movies. i sat on a couch with lindsey. a few days back we had been talking about the other cenci couples. she had said, "i see justin and tiffany sitting a few rows apart during art history, and i don't understand how you can be involved with someone, or even have a crush on someone, and not want to sit next to them in a lecture." we have spent the last month or so sitting next to each other most of the time. and tonight, during the movies, i did want to reach out to her, to cuddle. but i was thinking completely about stef.

at some point, between the movies, ryan turned to me and asked, "what am i going to do with you, bean?" then asked about borrowing any of my music that i thought he might like. but as in lindsey's dream he knows something is going on. claire too, apparently. and i suspect that the rest of the cenci has been talking.

we stayed up a little later than everyone else, talking. we hugged goodnight. "i'm glad that stef is treating you better," she said.