magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

i woke up today with the desire to be a bad person pretty much just for the sake of being bad. i told lindsey. she asked for elaboration. i looked at her. she nodded. i tried to understand the motivations behind this thought. to prove that i'm not too nice, that i can't just be walked all over. to get on more even ground with stef. to understand stef better. out of the fear that she is going to hurt me again and that i should be preemptive about that.

lindsey asked if i had heard from stef since yesterday's phone call. i had tried to check my email but there were network problems in nyc. i couldn't get through.

i was able to get my email just before class.

It funny how today I felt so encouraged and so in love, even when my girls were like "you'll never make three months" I couldn't laugh it off, I got really offended. I am sure I'll make it three months and now I know I probably could have made it nine, but I was blinded, I'm slightly self centered, if you haven't noticed, and can lose track, some times it takes a very important person to give me that very large kick in the ass. Thank you. I feel better about myself today then I have in years and better about being with you and I am not scared of doing it for a long time. I love you so much.

It's amazing to know that you're supposed to be with someone for an extended amount of time. I have always looked at relationships as a 'one day at a time' thing, but with you I can't help but want to be with you for more than today and the next. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to continue feeling that way, it means so much to me. (Yes I know that sounded like a office memo, Im not too eloquent tonight)

her email made me feel a little better about things. a little more focussed.

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spent the afternoon working in the library. everyone took of to go to the opening of the chuck close show at the american academy without me. i had to walk over by myself. saw lindsey coming out of the exhibition as i was going in. "i tried to find you," she said. "i looked in your studio, and in your room." not in the library, but it was nice that she looked at all.

half the risd kids had left the opening when i came back out of the exhibition. i walked back to the cenci in the rain with laura. i in effect told her about most of what's been going on, but all in this more and more elaborate metaphor, without really using any real names or situations or anything. i feel kind of stupid for telling her now, but i guess that anyone could read about it on my site without all the layers of decoding to do.

sarah.b and lindsey came back. they had gone out for sushi after the show. without me. "i tried to call you on your cell phone," lindsey said. "it didn't work." i guess that it was nice that she tried at all.

we talked for another few hours about things tonight. she told me that when she got up yesterday she didn't know if she wanted to try and avoid me or to search for me and put her arms around me and kiss me on the forehead. that although i said the things yesterday that, logically, were the things that she wanted to hear, she left my studio and went and cried. she told me that last night during the movies she was having a terribly hard time resisting the urge to cuddle up next to me.

the kiss changed things for her. it made her more comfortable with me. it took away the anxiety of the possibility of it. but, she said, it also has made it easier to picture what it would be like to do it again.

but she keeps telling me that i have stef and that she doesn't want to mess that up. which is all really terribly sweet.

of course she also told me that she couldn't do it here, but that if her boyfriend was vegetarian, she would try to go vegetarian too. at the very least never eat meat around him. and if he made lots of great vegan food she'd be happy to eat vegan all the time. which is also very sweet, but is implying certain things about what type of girlfriend she'd be to me.

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tried to call george at work. he couldn't talk. called er!n. talked until three. i said something about lindsey. "that's because you're falling in love with her," she said.