magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

so i didn't start my dot project today. i did buy film. and chalk. but i'm still unsure about a lot of the details. and so i put off actually starting. telling myself that i still have plenty of time if i start tomorrow. which i'll have to do. i need to just recognize that in a lot of ways this is a test case. i'll be figuring out all of the specifics as i actually proceed with the project. and so it might not hold together in the end as much as i would have hoped that it would but that's good right? to have tried something that i'm unsure about? that's the point.

then an opening at temple.

and later, the phone, and stef. we had only talked once, briefly, since i had left for southern tour and she had left for spring break. it was sunday morning, i was out for a walk with laura and irene, she was driving home for easter. we talked for eleven minutes. i had meant to call her back that evening, but the phones were busy and i wanted to develop my last two rolls of southern tour film. so it came to tonight.

there were a lot of nuances in the conversation that i couldn't hope to reproduce. in as much of a nutshell as i can pare it down to: stef has (finally) come to the realization that she's afraid of commitment. she's worried that maybe she's not 'supposed' to be with me. i told her again that i don't believe in supposed to. but, that either way, what is the harm in waiting out this last month and seeing how things are? she's worried that if things don't work out she will have wasted this month. 'how?' i ask. 'if it's true that you want to stop sleeping around, how is waiting this month going to be a waste?'

'and maybe i should just be alone now.' she's not happy with herself. feels (and rightly so) that she needs to work on that before she can really deal with a relationship. but, in a way, she's stuck with me for the moment.

'so where's the regret in waiting this month?' i ask again.

the truth is there's a boy at work who she's become friends with. who she feels she has more in common with than she has with me. 'what if he's the one i'm supposed to be with?' it turns out that she thought the same things about the last boy. and then she realized that no, it was really me that she wanted to be with.

the mean part of me wanted to say 'go ahead, choose this boy. and then when you realize that you'd rather be with me, it will be too late. you don't have any more chances.' but instead, 'it's like i said about lindsey. there will be a what-if regarding her. but there would be a bigger one regarding you.'

'again, you put it all in perspective.'

but the conversation kept going in circles. and not hopeful ones. at one point i said, 'it seems, and this might not even be a conscious thing, but you are pushing me, trying to get me to say that i give up so that you can try things with this boy at work.'

'maybe,' she says, 'but that wouldn't be fair to him either.'

and eventually, 'look. there's this girl who is, at the very least, a part of you, who i was madly in love with last summer and fall. and that's what i'm holding on to right now.' this was the closest i've come to saying 'i love you' since the two weeks in february that i didn't hear from her. i thought it would mean something.

instead, she said 'that's not enough for me.' and a pause. i wanted to hang up there and walk away. my breath caught. i put the phone down on the desk. i could hear her saying something. i waited. i picked the phone back up. 'i guess that's what it comes down to.'

'what is?'

'the bigger what-if.'

'i didn't hear you the first time, because i had put the phone down.'

'i know.'

'i wanted to hang up and just walk away.'

'but you didn't. maybe you should have. maybe we need to think about this. will you just give me time to think about it?' and i didn't answer. 'well, i guess you really don't have any choice.'

'no.' and after a bit my calling card ran out of minutes. and i called back. 'it wasn't intentional, but maybe i should have just left it at that. it still feels like my two options are to just hang up and walk away, or say "no, i won't let you just think about it."'

'but i can.' and the connection goes dead. and i don't know if the line died on its own this time or if she hung up on me.

so i called back again. voicemail. 'part of me was hoping that you had hung up on me. that i would get your voicemail, because in a way it's easier just to talk. but at the same time i feel a knot in my stomach and i don't know what to say.' i talked. her voicemail cut me off. i called back. talked some more. 'i wanted to say that i can't promise you i'll be there in may. but, when i said that that girl is a part of you, that meant a lot to me. and i'll be here. and i hope it is enough.'