magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

From: Stousign@aol.com
Date: Thu, 4 Apr 2002 21:10:30 EST
Subject: read this soon

Here's where I am and you are probably not going to understand this and overanalyze it to death which I did not do, so I'll check your website to see exactly where I was hypocritical and completely wrong, but I can't take back what I feel....

I have been thinking about this for a bit and this is what it comes down to for me.

1. I think I was more in love with the idea of us than us or you, this applies to the here and now and not necessarily the past (summer)

2. I'm not at a point in my life where I want this serious of a commitment, I am too immature and insecure for this right now, if and if, I do want to be with someone at this point in time it will be less pressure and more just dating

3. I found myself relying on you to make me happy which scares me, I want to be with someone who I don't even need to question my happiness its just there.

4. Im done hurting you and Im going to end this, because you aren't supposed to be with someone like me, because the type of person who is, would have dumped me already. So im going to do the breaking up because you obviously never will.

5. You are a wonderful person and I will look back and be happy that you were part of my life but no regrets, no big what ifs that tear away at our self confidence, don't do it to yrself bean. Life is about adjustment, and its time for me to be grown up and make that adjustment away from you and vice versa before things could get any worse.

I have to go study pro prac for my midterm

if you want you can avoid me in May.

Im sorry, but this is the last thing I will do to hurt you and probably the only way I could stop.

stef

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1. this probably applies to both of us now. which is why i have not said 'i love you'. (until very recently, i guess because i saw something like this coming and got scared.) but, there are other things to still hold on to. there are memories. there are promises. there is hope. i'm not ready to let go of these things, obviously. and with only four weeks left i would think we owe to ourselves, each other, the situation to wait and see.

2. there is some wisdom in this. or underlying this at least. the idea that you would rather have a no pressure dating relationship than a more serious commitment seems to me (and maybe i'm just being mean) to belie a desire not to really move on from your lifestyle of sleeping around. as i have said, maybe you would be better off right now with no one in your life, but i really don't see that happening. and in the process of seeing how things are between us,. we wouldn't have to jump right back into what we were over the summer. i have actually thought about this quite a bit. about trying to actually go out, more like dating. about putting a waiting period on having sex.

3. i can't argue with the first half. but for me to take it seriously at all the second half would have to read: 'i want to be with someone when i don't even need to question my happiness...' happiness is an issue that we both have to work on. including the realization that you can't get it from another person. but you can be happy to be with another person. they can make you feel better when you are upset. they can enhance your moods. they just can't be the one thing that you rely on solely to produce your happiness.

4. first of all the logical contradiction: the type of person who is supposed to be with you would have dumped you already. and therefor would no longer be with you. and so 'supposed to be' wouldn't be in the end. maybe i am supposed to be. maybe it's this stupid persistence of holding on while you do your growing up that makes me the type of person who is supposed to be with you.

5. how can you say no what-ifs? how will you ever be able to see me in the beb next year and not wonder? if we try again in may and things are bad, at least we'll know. and there might still be some pain, but we'll know. there's four more weeks. the last seven months have been incredibly up and down, but from the beginning we had both said that we would see in may. and now there's four weeks, and you are getting scared, and you're giving up.

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and, as if all of this wasn't enough, i tried to call er!n. i needed to talk to someone and she has always said that i can call her at any time. it was 3am there, but i called anyway. her phone had been disconnected. i tried her cellphone, and got voicemail but with no indication of her name or voice or anything. please, please, please let everything be okay.

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email from er!n. she had her home phone disconnected 'cause it was redundant with her cell. at least i don't have to worry about that. i called her and we talked for a bit. then george.

i wish that i could ask stef just to wait out this month. we don't have to keep pretending (or giving ourselves up to wishful thinking or whatever) that things are all going to be okay. but just to wait and see. just don't move on without me. just keep that one little promise to still be there in may. giving up now is so sad.

it was more eloquent in my head before.