magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

i think i've pretty much resolved myself to not try and get in touch with amy.e, for the time being anyway. in stef's last letter, written before southern tour and received afterwards, she told me that maybe i should have talked with amy.e about us instead of [or better, in addition to] all the people i had talked to who don't necessarily have the highest opinion of her. she gave me amy.e's number. encouraged me to call her. and after the email that was was one of the calls i tried to make. got her machine, left a message. something like:

'this is a little bit of a strange call. it's bean calling from italy for amy. when things were a little better between stef and i than they are right now she told me that maybe i should have talked to you about us. and so i'm trying, because i know that i'm not going to be able to get any response from her, when she has a hard time dealing with something she tends to just try to ignore it. and i don't know what i'd say to you, or ask, exactly, but i need to try and reach out. and so i'll probably call back again, and hope i get ahold of you.'

but i didn't try back. i came close a number of times, but that fear of phones overcame me. and plus, what good would it do exactly? i'd basically just be trying to put her in the middle of this, not necessarily to take my side over stef's or even just get my side across, but to have some more connection than i do now. i want that, i want to feel that i have some control. but it's not fair to her.

it's even less fair to stef's sister, who i have also been feeling a desire to email about this.

and so instead i've been trying to work. i got twenty-five dots done this morning before the rain sent me back inside. i managed to get back out early afternoon to do the other twenty-five. my new mini-goal for the project is to also do one hundred sketches of the dot locations. so that i can make a map of rome with one hundred dots where i stood and drew. of course i still have no idea how i'm going to present this whole project. and it still doesn't have a whole lot to do with architecture exactly.