magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

woke up thinking about stef. she stayed in my mind all day. just being in the same town as her is a whole new kind of hurt. and i subjected lindsay, who works with stef, the luna connection, to all of my talking about it, until i decided that she really didn't deserve it, and i really shouldn't be spending so much time hung up on it.

of course then i called amy.e. and she feels that if stef and i were to talk, stef would decide that she wants to be back with me all over again. which is exactly what part of me wanted to hear, but rationally i know it's probably the worst thing for me.

i thought that maybe i'd make her a copy of the cd that i had tried to send her for her birthday though. put it in her risd box with a note like the one that i had originally had it sent with. 'i'll give you some time. i'll be waiting if you want.'

then i re-read her break-up email. and it hit me in a way that it didn't when i first got it. when she wrote it, i immediately assumed that she wasn't looking at the big picture. that if she were actually confronted with me she would take it all back. that it was only fear of commitment. but now, when it's even more likely that all those things are true, i read it as a real end to things. that is the point when things were really over. and they're still over.

a few hours later, i'm still thinking about her. what would i do if she were to tell me that she made a terrible mistake, that she wants me back? do i want her to say that? or do i want her to reiterate that it's over? do i want her to be friendly? or a bitch?

and lindsay. do i want her to be wonderful? compatible, beautiful, sweet? or would i rather that things could never really work out between us so that i could have the opportunity to try (and maybe fail) again with stef? and of course i'm reading way too much into the few emails that i have exchanged with lindsay. although, she is too, i'm pretty sure.