magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

stef calls late. 'i'm at this party on bowen. i went out for a drink with people from work. then i went to amy's because she had some people over. and we came to this party.' and she sounded like she was having a bad time. she told me she was having a bad time. 'i just needed to hear your voice,' she says.

when we talked last night she told me that she'd call sometime on saturday. 'or tomorrow night, if you want,' i said.

'i'll probably be going out with people from work, but if i don't..' and i'm really trying to be okay with that. we have different lifestyles. we've both known that since the beginning, and even when things were really good between us last summer this came up.

i wish that i had a real place to live. i wish that she had a key. i wish that she could go out, if that that's what she needs to do, and then come to my place. i wish that i could wake up in the morning and find her lying next to me.

but we really should be taking things slowly right now anyway. (probably. there's still some debate in my head over this.) and i wasn't really even expecting to hear from her tonight. but when she calls to say she's left work, she's at a party with other risd people, and that she's not even having a good time, i don't know what to say. 'you should be with me'? 'i'll come and see you'?

'are you okay?' she asked me.

a pause. 'yeah. i'm okay.'

'you're not.'

'i'll write about it. i wish i could talk to you about it. in person. phones are even more impersonal for me than email.'

and i'm trying to be okay with this. when she's got time that she wants to spend with me, i'll be here. i'll be here. i really hope we get through these things. and that we adapt to each other's lives. i want to go out with her sometimes, because it's part of her life, and i don't just want the parts of her that already overlap with me.