magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

she called this afternoon. i had text messaged amy this morning, as a preface, basically, for calling later on. amy 'freaked out' and called stef. stef called me. i'm sorry that that's the way it happened, but at least it provoked her to call me.

'why didn't you just call me?' she asked.

'you made it pretty clear the last time we talked that you had no intention to discuss these things, and that you would be calling me when you did. what good would it have done me to call you?'

we didn't talk for long. but long enough that i now have some idea of where she's coming from. she's just now realizing the significance of what i meant the very first morning when i said that we might have 'too many odd angles towards each other'. why now? i think it's because she's been watching a wedding story in the afternoons that she's not at work instead of general hospital. all those weddings have got her thinking. 'what if thirty years from now i realize that i can't stand the person that i married?'

of course her method of dealing with this (pushing me away, but maintaining that we're still together) is completely different from how i would deal with it. how i do deal with it, as it's something i've been dealing with since the very beginning.

she called again tonight, i was in the met cafe with garth and cybèle. susie's new band was playing. i couldn't hear, she told me to call her later.

i left about 11.30 and called her back. she was at ri-ra. 'i'm in the same part of town, can i at least come over and see you?'

'you won't want to come in, because of who i'm here with. but if you want me to just come out and give you a hug.'

'it would be uncomfortable if i came in, but..'

'for everyone. for him too.'

'well, fuck him.'

'i'm not going to stop hanging out with him.'

'we are going to have to deal with it sooner or later then, if you're not going to stop seeing me, either.'

i didn't end up going inside. but it is something that we are going to have to deal with. if he is going to remain her friend, she can't continue to completely compartmentalize that part of her life from the part with me. eventually they're going to have to overlap, or she's going to have to say goodbye to one of us. but i don't think that part of it isn't going to be resolved any time soon. she assures me that there's nothing more than friendship going on between them, and that there won't be, and for now, that will have to be enough for me.

we talked for fifteen minutes or so on the sidewalk. nothing resolved except that we're still together, and we're going to work on it (in some nebulous capacity). she refuses to make plans for when we'll see each other. 'when we hang out, we'll hang out,' she says. but when will that be? as you've told me yourself you enjoy working all the time, and when you're not working you either want to be sleeping or drinking. where's room in that for me?

'you don't really want to be in a relationship,' i told her.

'but the thing is, that i do.'

you've got a funny notion of what that is. i told her that it seemed that 'i'm just the friend that you sleep with occasionally. mike's the relationship that you're not sleeping with.'

'but i don't see him enough to be in a relationship either. we've only hung out twice this week.'

'but we haven't hung out at all this week.'

i want to know what happened to the girl who told me that her bed felt bigger every night that i was away in ohio.