magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

another morning of waking up alone. yesterday evening i was getting more and more upset, having not heard from stef. i didn't want to push, but i had sort of prepared a text message in my head to send if it got much later.

the impression i got this morning was that you would call when you wanted to see me. since the day is almost over i can only assume that you don't want to.

and although we did end up talking before i sent that, it turned out not to be too far from the truth. at eight o'clock she called and i let my voicemail pick it up. 'hi i'm just calling to see what's up. i'm at home i'm vegging. i'm going to go get something to eat. okay. bye.'

i'm at molly's. why don't you give me another call after you've eaten if you want to see me. -b

an hour and a half later she called again. i asked if she wanted me to come over. 'not really,' she said.

i can't begin to understand her motivations. and she doesn't want to talk about it. 'i'll make a list,' she said, 'of the things i want to say to you, because i've been thinking all day about how to say it and i don't know how.' which means that it does have to do with me, with us.

but, she also told me that my worrying about the state of our relationship is silly. 'i'm home, alone, eating potato salad and watching the real world. you don't have anything to worry about. i love you.'

so i really don't know what to think. 'i miss you,' i told her on the phone as things were getting tense and i was worried she'd just hang up. 'that's all i want you to know.'

'i miss you too,' she said. 'i'll talk to you later.'

molly and i watched james and the giant peach. i came home and got into bed early. woke up early this morning. on the verge of crying. i'm such an emotional basket case sometimes. i just need to try and trust her. trust that she's doing what she needs to do and that she isn't doing anything to hurt me.

---

1/2 i love you so incredibly much. i wish that you would talk to me, but i don't want to make things worse by pushing too hard.

2/2 so i'll give you the time and space to figure out or do whatever you need to figure out or do. i love you and i miss you. -b

but i'm not going to like it.