magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

it's 5am and you never called last night. ?b

nearly and hour later i'm in india point park. our park. it's a mess, covered in trash from the fourth of july celebrations. my phone is ringing.

'i'm at foxwoods.'

on sunday, driving amy to new york, foxwoods came up. 'i already have enough addictions,' stef said. 'smoking, drinking. what else? sleeping. i don't need any more.'

later that night, lying next to her in bed, i typed a message into my phone that i didn't send, 'sometimes i just don't know if i can do this.' i would have continued, 'i'm not sure i can compete with your addictions.' i got out of bed, stopped at the firdge to read the snippet of magnetic poetry that i had arranged a few days previous, 'she sleeps him away / a sweet boy leaves / so as not to be sad'.

i sat on the couch for about an hour. then went back to bed.

in the morning she couldn't seem to get rid of me fast enough. 'i'll walk a few blocks towards work with you,' i offered.

'i was planning on taking my car. i'll call you later. goodbye.'

so i don't know what that was about. aside from morning-ness. but i wish you a good day, i love you, and i'll see you later. -b

3.15, this is still yesterday afternoon, she calls. 'i'm home watching a wedding story. i picked up another shift this evening. i'll call you when i get out, but it will probably be late.'

so there's this girl who i'm just crazy about. she totally ties my insides up in knots. it's hard sometimes, but i love her dearly, and that's what matters.

and voicemail too, 'close your eyes. are they closed? now picture a bunch of pretty flowers. these imaginary flowers are for you, because i love you. and i'll talk to you later.'

i went to bed about one, with my phone lying next to me. i wake up and it's light out.

back to the park. 'so were you worried that i was bleeding in a ditch somewhere? that's silly. what if i had just gone home and not called because it was late?'

the point is that she didn't call. i was worried, but not so much that something had happened to her, as that someone had happened. i know i overreact. i know i worry too much. and she keeps telling me that nothing is going to happen. but it takes a while to rebuild trust. things have felt a bit strained the last few days, and every time she mentions mike it's like a little stab in the heart. he covered her sunday morning shift, he was 'the only one' who would work for her even though he 'never works mornings'.

'i'm going to be leaving here soon. i have all day tomorrow off. i'm going to spend it in bed. i need to spend some time by myself. i'm just overwhelmed with other people. i'm going to sleep late, get up and watch tv by myself. and then i'll call you later.'

no i love yous. no i miss yous. sometimes she says she's so happy to be with me. and sometimes we just seem completely incompatible.

but i know she needs her alone time. even if it is her choice to spend so much of her time with other people to begin with (other people who aren't me, a lot of that time). it's different for me because the majority of my time is alone time. the majority of my whole life has been alone time. i want to reach out from that.

i had planned for her call last night. (i was thinking we could go see an afternoon movie tomorrow, we've been talking about seeing men in black ii, and then maybe out to dinner, and spend the evening in, with tv or a video.) 'do you want me to come over?' i was going to ask. 'or do you want to come here? or just call me when you get up tomorrow.' and if she had asked, 'what do you want?' because she's often pushing me to express my own desires, i would have responded with 'i want to spend the night with you.'

i'm not even sure if that's true all the time, sometimes it is easier to be alone, mainly because she 'sleeps me away'. i wonder if my desire to be with her springs from my fears that if i'm not, someone else might be. or, i know that in part it does. but when i step back i realize that the point of spending the night together is to feel comfortable together. to know that the person who is touching your ankle, even if you're not snuggled up together, is there and they love you, and that's what matters.

i'm sorry i freaked out, you know it's just because i worry and i miss you when you're not there. hope you're having fun. -your bean