magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

the other night, friday, in sharon, before coming back to providence, i found myself in one of those moods where stef and i just didn't seem like it could possibly be real. when i actually saw her, yesterday, some of that went away. i still do look over at her from time to time and wonder how we possibly ended up together, thinking that it's some crazy dream.

i dropped her off at work this morning and it was more of the same feelings. i left her voicemail this afternoon, 'i think we should go out. on some sort of date. do something outside, or dinner, or something. we'll talk about it later, i'm sure, but i just wanted to bring it up.'

she called me after work. 'i was thinking about hanging out with amy tonight. just the two of us. recently whenever we've hung out it's been with jeremy or emily or..' i knew when i dropped her off that i was going to get that call. or one like it. and in a way, it's hard not to take it personally. even if she hasn't spent any really personal time with amy, she has seen amy every day for the last week and a half that i've been away.

on the other hand, i do understand. she doesn't want to spend every non-work minute with me. it's different for me since i'm still jobless. which is where my voicemail came from, i think. we're not a married couple, it's not a given that we'll see each other at the end of the day, and we're not at a place where that would necessarily be the best thing for us. but we need more than just a phone call every now and then and a 'what are you doing?' we are more than that.

and this is all new to me. it's different than any relationship that i've done before. and although we started last summer, there are a lot of things that we have to figure out all over again.