magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

how am i going to keep this up-waking up every morning with this sense of loss? i've been crying this morning. i just want her to call and tell me to come back.

er!n responds: 'Flowers'.

but i'm not so sure that it's the right thing to do. what if she calls to bitch at me about the flowers? 'stop doing this bean. i said it was over and i'm not going to change my mind.' and i could argue that that wasn't the intention. that i just wanted to say i'm thinking about you, i care. but that is the intention. there's a calculation in every move i make: how will this affect my chances of being with her? and she'll see right through me.

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more text messages with er!n and she's decided that it really might not be such a good idea to send stef flowers. it's just so hard for me to be so completely powerless.

and also to feel so powerless about doing anything positive in my own life. i don't understand why i feel so empty so much of the time. and it's not just without stef, although that's certainly the biggest part of it right now, and has brought the rest of it all to the surface with it. it's just that i feel completely unanchored. directionless. alone and unmotivated and lost.

and i want to say that this can't be normal. normal, everyday people can't have to deal with this nearly crippling sense of maladjustment. but i feel like a drama queen saying that. of course i'm going to think that my problems are so much bigger and insurmountable than everyone else's. i'm just supposed to suck it up, right? get on with my life, right? well maybe there is something wrong in my brain. maybe something isn't working right. maybe it really shouldn't be this hard all the time.