magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

even though we haven't spoken in nearly two weeks, and everything (except my own obstinate denial) points to the fact that it's really over this time, i feel like by leaving town i'm leaving her again, which we both made promises never to do.

this morning there was a package notice in my mailbox. i fantasized (worried?) that stef had collected whatever she still has of mine, possibly even photos of us and the like, put it in a box, and dropped it off at the mailroom. my worst-possible-scenario reflex. but also something that would give me the opportunity to confront her: 'this is going to far. you've pushed me out of your life, but now you want to erase everything that we were too.' of course it wasn't, it was one of my cd subscriptions, the new disc on piehead records.

i could almost taste the excuse to ring her doorbell though, to yell at her. i saw a therapist again today, and he seems concerned that i haven't expressed my anger over this, that september will be easier if i've worked through it by then. and this is actually something that i've thought quite a bit about. i don't know why i'm not angry. i don't know if i'm repressing it, or if it simply isn't there. even stef couldn't understand why i didn't get mad. in the long run it might have been easier on her if i had.