magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

so i don't necessarily want to give the impression (as the last handful of entries have probably done) that all i do is think about her. but, when my mind is idle, i often do. that also happens to be when i sit down to write these things (or compose them in my head). of course all that does add up to a lot of the time.

for instance, this morning while checking through my site logs i noticed the pattern that she tends to leave. assuming it was her, she read the last couple of entries that i put online. and i wonder what she was thinking. i wonder if she wants to know what's been going on in my life these last two weeks. i know she won't call or write, even if she does miss me. she's too stubborn.

and so i wonder if maybe i should be reaching out more. which of course i shouldn't. that's part of the problem. i try and try and try, and she doesn't. but it's hard. to have written all this about her (in the past, i've used my journal as a way to write to people) and to know that she's tried to read it, but that it wasn't there for her to find.

of course i want her to miss me. but as daniel said to me, 'you should not wish pain on anyone .. no matter how much you love them'.