magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

after technical problems (the driver's side window in the van fell off the track and into the door cavity) and a brief swim, george and i headed back to new york. er!n was going to be at a birthday party for a while, so i called rex, who is working in the city this summer, but he is actually in providence this weekend, and on friday he's leaving for peru for three weeks.

after a bit, er!n text messaged me from the restaurant they were at, and george and i walked down there. apparently the place thought that they were some sort of trendy club though, and george's shorts and sneakers were not proper attire. ('no one hangs out in new york in shorts and sneakers on saturday night.' yeah, whatever.) we went out for vegan pancakes instead.

back at er!n's we talked for a but, then went to bed, late, having to get up in just a couple of hours. as i was drifting off to sleep my phone beeped, a message from er!n in the next room, responding to what i had written last weekend about my response to her affectionate nature. she'd stop, she said.

i knocked on her door. 'it's not that i want you to stop. it's just that what i really want is for stef to be there to hug me, or take my arm, or rub my head.' i had a harder time with the words than that. i didn't want to belittle the importance of having friends. of her friendship. it really means so incredibly much to me. but there's still this big hole in my life where stef is supposed to be.