magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

she checked my website again last night. she's still thinking of me. and i smiled at that thought, although it led me back to the only song i've ever written with words (prophetic, as it turned out) from last summer. i still feel that at the very least, even if i would hardly hesitate to get back together, that if she misses me, if she wants to see me, she's going to have to be the one to take that step. and so my resolve is not to call her, not to update my website, not to talk to amy.e or anyone else she might be in touch with, until we are forced to see each other in september. which is still a month away. it's already been three and a half weeks. in rome, the longest period of time without any contact was just a little over a month. so yeah, i smile at the thought that she's still thinking of me, that she's still checking my website to find out what is going on in my life. but in another month? of course if she sees me in september and feels nothing, then there's probably nothing i could have done now that would have made any difference.

siobhan, of jellyfish, posted her first entry of the summer today (and it's only her second entry since april). seems she's been spending her time falling in love again. at my count that's three since, well since just before i first came across her site a little over a year ago. i haven't ever stuck with too many webjournals written by people who i don't know, but something about siobhan's writing, about the bits of her personality that i could glean through it, kept me interested in watching her life. stef and i had just started dating and she reminded me a bit of stef. and a bit of myself. that's why we're interested in the lives of random people online (or in tv reality shows, for that matter), because we identify with them. some things though, letting go, moving on, remain outside of my range of understanding.