magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

still sleeping late. in a way i feel bad that i'm spending the morning in bed while aaron is out doing more yardwork. the feeling again that he's the good, responsible son, and i'm just lazy and of no real help to anyone.

when i did get outside this afternoon, i did do most of the building of a small stone wall to either side of the new steps. so i guess i'm not entirely useless.

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dad called this evening, and i guess it's really settled at this point that aaron and i won't be going out to ohio. when i left providence one of my possible scenarios was to spend the majority of this month out there. at the very least, aaron had been talking about driving out for the last week in august. but i didn't make it before then, and he wants to be back in maine by wednesday of next week.

and i feel like i might have missed out on something that could have helped me. but it would have been a difficult trip as well. the last time i was there i pictured that my next trip out would be with stef.

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and later, in front of the tv, everyone else off to bed, i'm still fighting some sort of urge to start smoking. to drive down to the gas station tomorrow morning and buy myself a pack of cigarettes. as if the only way i can fill this stef-shaped hole in my life is to remold parts of myself to fit it.

which led to the thought that she's out there, living her own life, independently of anything i feel or do. that she's as close as the other end of a telephone call, but a call that i can't make, and so at the same time she's infinitely far away. and yet, still smoking, still getting up late and going to work and watching tv. we may even be watching the same shows at the same time, but we couldn't be further apart. and there's nothing that i can do about it.