magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

i've felt particularly empty the last few days. kind of numb inside.

and so i stay up late watching tv until i'm so exhausted that i will hopefully just pass out instead of lying in bed thinking and waiting to fall asleep. and hopefully i'll sleep late with fantastic dreams and cut hours off of the amount of tomorrow that i have to deal with.

i feel like i'm close to snapping. that i can only be strong for so long. that i'm going to buy that first pack of cigarettes (or worse), that i'm going to find myself dialing her number and have no idea how i got to that point. and then i think, no, some combination of willpower and fear and even laziness will keep things as they are. i will continue to bob along as i have always done. inside i may be tearing myself apart, all manic-depressive and whatnot, and little bits of that might come out from time to time, but basically i'm just going to keep going. the world is just going to keep going, and me along with it. i'm never going to hit bottom, i'm never going to even put myself on the path towards the bottom. but the reverse is just as true.