magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

10.15am i quite literally feel broken. as if there's a crack through my middle and i'm coming apart. i wonder if she feels any of this, if this is a repeat of may when she knew i was back in town and didn't know how to react or if she has truly let go and moved on and isn't looking back. i still don't know how i will actually react to seeing her. feigned indifference? venomous animosity? undisguised longing? forced civility?

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finished the night drunk. chris ('when is the last time you mentioned any other chris? why do i still have the k?') and i had been drowning our respective sorrows at tortilla flats, a kind of cheesy bar and mexican restaurant.

i spent the day feeling lousy after seeing stef this morning. but maybe i should go back to the beginning. hardly knowing what to do with myself this morning, in the inevitability of seeing her, i decided to take a walk in india point park. i sat on 'our' bench for a while. then headed to the beb for the architecture studio lottery.

on the way, down by the water at the park, i saw the orange dress girl (today in a turquoise and purple skirt). not exactly in my path, and of course i didn't approach her to say anything. what would i have said? 'i haven't found myself attracted to anyone since i broke up with my ex-girlfriend. the other day i noticed you outside of the brown library, and it might have only been the bright colours, but somehow you stuck in my mind. i figured i probably wouldn't ever run into you again, especially before this morning, when i'm going to have to see said ex-girlfriend for the first time in two months, but here you are.' no. emphatically not. so i just kept walking.

milling about in the beb lobby i saw stef and amy.e come in. i did my best to duck behind columns, to hide from and avoid her. eventually she did see me though, and came over to say hi. she wanted a hug. she asked me how my summer had been. she said she's been single for the last two months, and seemed proud of it. but to me, that's a sign that maybe she's growing up, becoming more responsible, respecting herself more, and it makes me want her in my life even more. she wants to be friendly, but i don't know if i can handle that.

i had lunch with rex. i think there's a good chance that stronger bonds will form between those of us fifth year students who are still around, which is a good thing.

in the afternoon stef didn't say anything more to me. and that's painful too. it hurts when she talks to me, and it hurts when she doesn't. i spent the evening wandering around the east side. sat in a playground for a while. swung. looked up at the stars.

then chris, with girl issues of his own (although he's leaving for chicago in less than a week, so he really shouldn't let them get to him), met up with me and asked if i wanted to go for a drink. which turned into five.