magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

so i prefaced yesterday with an acknowledgment of, but also a reluctance to talk about 9/11. studio assignments were posted today, and as i was largely expecting i found myself in my second choice, a studio focusing on rebuilding at ground zero. i'm sure that nearly every architecture school in the country is offering something along those lines this semester. it's what amy.e was doing at pratt over the summer. but it is a subject of an incredible amount of architectural discourse right now, and i guess i'm going to be part of that. and so i'll also probably find myself discussing it here in the coming months.

back on the micro scale of my own life though, stef is not in my studio section. she is one bay over, in my line of site. as i said yesterday there was a significant part of me that was wishing we got stuck together. but it felt simpler this morning to have a little distance, even if it is only twenty feet or so, than it felt to be in class with her yesterday morning.

leaving for lunch though, her section was still talking, and i couldn't help the feeling that i should have been waiting for them to finish, to catch up on first impressions or our respective studios, to get lunch.

i really still don't want to let go. (i know, i know, probably everyone reading this is almost saying out loud at this point that i have to, or at the very least that i should.) the last song on the mix-tape that i made the other night is called 'number 7' and is by amy abts. the chorus goes 'baby i know you think about me / i'm trying to move on / but love lasts so long when it's gone / and i want you back'. yes, i know. blunt. unhealthy. but it's a pretty song, so it fits the theme. and i haven't given the tape to stef or anything. but back to the song, it's on a compilation, and i realized that i really don't know anything about the artist, so i looked her up online. she was a drama student. she self released an album. she likes mix-tapes. but not a whole lot of information, really. i'm curious about her album. i'm curious how long it took her to get over the boy (girl?) in the song, if it's true.

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i called chris this evening to see what he was up to. 'well, i was about to head over to greer's for dinner. but if you're not doing anything else and you'd like to come? i'm sure it would be okay.'

'i don't really want to invite myself along. but if it's really okay, and there will be something i can eat.'

'i can call her and ask if that will make you feel better.'

so i ended up going over to greer's with chris. greer and stef were roommates freshman year, but they haven't really hung out much since then, so that wasn't too weird. but she is currently staying with lynette and blake, who stef was staying with last summer. plus, they had invited a handful of people over, including kc.

it turns out that kc is sort of distancing herself from stef right now too though. she thinks stef is depressed and really negative about things and feels that she can't really do anything to help the situation and so it's too draining. and i agree. despite stef's claims that she loves the way her life is right now, it's really all about escapism. she drinks, sleeps, and works. (and i could say that she doesn't have room for anything good, which is why she pushed me away, but that's way oversimplifying things.)

and actually it felt good to hear some negative things about stef from someone who has been very close to her. (like with hearing ryan's side of his story with lindsey.) in a way it's easier to ignore the advice of people who have never really liked her, or don't know her, even if i know they have my best interests at heart. there was no advice from kc, i'm sure she doesn't have any idea that a large part of me wouldn't hesitate to take stef back into my life, but just her own feeling that something is wrong and that she knows she can't fix it.

all told i rather enjoyed the evening. i would have hung out later, but had to drive chris home around midnight. after leaving it occurred to me that i should have exchanged phone numbers with lynette, with kc. i don't know if i'd ever call them. aside from the introversion, hanging out with stef's friends would be weird. but it might also be therapeutic in a way. to prove i can get on with my life, that i can be friends with the people that i met because of what she and i were.