magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

the first week back in school has involved a lot of people asking 'how are you doing?' or some variation thereof. and most of the time probably not really wanting to hear more than 'i'm doing alright. you?' but i want to say something more like 'one of my best friends just left providence for good. i've been in school for less than a week and i'm already falling into my old procrastination routines. the girl who i had dreams of spending my life with doesn't think we're compatible. i've started smoking.* what else? i'm broke, i'm worse off financially than i've ever been before. so yeah, i guess i've been better.' but i'm not going to say that.

i'm even hesitant about saying it here. it's not that i'm looking for pity. or even sympathy. it's up to me to deal with this stuff. and so i suppose that i shouldn't let myself fall into self-pity either. think of this as a to-do list for myself, these are things that i need to work on getting over or through or accepting. and my life's not all bad news. in school is really where i want to be right now. i'm in pretty good health. one friend did just leave the area, but another old friend just recently moved back to within fairly easy visiting distance. and really, i probably have a better network of friends than i've had in a while, if ever. most of them say i'm better of without her anyway (although that is kind of empty rhetoric until and if i'm ready to believe it on my own).

every now and then it just seems like i have to take public stock of the pros and cons of my life.

*that statement is a little hyperbolic. i haven't smoked a cigarette today, despite three or four instances when it occurred to me to do so, even though i did have them on hand.

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i spent most of today inside feeling disconnected. breakfast with chris et al before he left. a brief trip to the market for dinner stuff (paid for in change collected from around my room). then molly called around eight and i went over and hung out for a bit. it was raining at this point, and the walk in the rain was nice.