magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

woke up this morning with foggy memories of vaguely sexual dreams in my head. i've been thinking a lot about sex recently, so there's no real surprise where that came from. for a long time the only sexual impulses that i had at all were directed towards stef. she's still a part of my thoughts but i wonder if i'm actually begining to move beyond that or if it's just a temporary upswing in hormones or something.

had to be up and out of the house ralatively early (for a sunday) to meet my group for ibs and talk about/work on our case study project. we have to analyze, structurally and spacially, a forestry station in switzerland. and it's really quite a complex little building. then build models and make a big drawing. it's a lot of work for one of the classes that people have the least amount of interest in. i actually find the class quite interesting. but i'd still rather not be making models for it.

as if on cue, with the talk about moving beyond thoughts of stef, she comes flooding back to me. it was windy tonight, that incredible sort of wind that hints at the primal nature of the elements, almost an archetypical sort of wind. the rain came and went, but at time was heavy. i stood in the door of my apartment and watched the rain fall through the streetlights. i remembered another rainstorm in which stef wished she could have been with me. and another in which she didn't want to walk the half mile to her house. thoughts of her, in any case, and of the hole left, like the glow of a streetlight filled with rain.