magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

From: bean amerika
To: george romano
Subject: Re: life

so, sorry it took me a week to get back to you. others have been waiting longer (a few days ago i finally wrote back to a girl who had emailed me about my website over a year ago). don't know exactly what input i can give you re em. the last i had heard you were already broken up for good. i suppose i can't say that i'm surprised that it didn't take that time. maybe she really fucked up this time, broke your heart for good (at least as far as it intersects with her life).

i'm still hopelessly hung up on stef, even though i have an inkling that she's started seeing someone. of course i could simply be reading more into lots of little things and conflating them in my head into something that they are not. and really, it doesn't mean much either way, as far as she and i as an us are concerned. but the thought that it might be the case hurts.

we've only really spoken twice since i came back to providence. once on the first day of school, and then tuesday, when our paths crossed at a crosswalk and i hung back a few paces so as not to have to interact with her and she held her right hand out behind her, as if asking me to take her hand, and we talked, briefly, about nothing of consequence. i spent the rest of the day in an awful mood.

and all of this has been impairing my ability to focus on school. or at least it gives me a convenient, albeit not very useful, excuse for the fact that i just generally have no motivation. the self-help tapes i've been listening to every night in my sleep don't seem to be doing any good.

i've just got too many issues. and yet, i still seem to be a relatively well-adjusted, semi-productive member of society. which, in a way, makes me feel lousy because i can't even crash and burn correctly. i haven't been institutionalized, i haven't been arrested, i haven't beat the shit out of anyone, i haven't started taking hard drugs (or even drinking all that much, although i have been smoking). i'm just feeling really empty and useless, mostly.

maybe letting go of em, if you can do it, is the best thing for you. if i knew how to let go of stef i want to say that i'd do it. (i wouldn't of course. i still spend every wish hoping she'll change her mind.)

bean

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garth: you do miss talking to her, don't you?

bean: yeah.

garth: well, you should tell her that. you say things aren't getting any easier. maybe you should try just talking. getting a coffee, or a drink.

bean: but how can i say 'i miss talking to you,' without saying 'i miss waking up with you in the mornings,' or 'i miss cudling with you.'?