magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

(so my new layout looks even a little bit more broken with exploiter under windows than it does on a mac. i really have always tried to be all things to all people, so to speak, but now that i'm standards compliant i think i'm just going to leave it as is. if my site is broken for you i apologize. i'll continue to make sure it's readable and fully functional in lynx.)

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didn't see stef at all yesterday. she went out on saturday night after work, called me early on and told me she'd call again later, but didn't. yesterday when she got out of work she called to apologize, and to tell me that she was going out to dinner with the girls from work. she did call me later on, about nine, but just to say that she was still out and having a good time. and then later to tell me she was waiting for a ride home because she didn't think she was sober enough to drive. and then again around two to tell me that she missed me and how much she loved me and that she'd see me tomorrow (today).

on mondays after class she and amy usually go out for dinner, so i got a late lunch and went to the library to do my reading. (couldn't focus on it of course.) she called and left a message, 'i'm tired and i'm going to take a nap. but call me later, even if i'm sleeping, it's okay.' i gave her a little over an hour. 'i'm sleeping. i love you. i'll see you later?'

'i guess.'

'what do you mean "i guess"?'

'just that sometimes when you "take a nap" in the evening you don't end up waking up at all.'

'i have to get up. i have to go to studio. or at least rewrite my statement. i'll call you later.' if our lives were a comic, that last bit would have been in a word bubble with icicles hanging off of it.

'fine. you don't have to be bitchy about it.'

'i'm not being bitchy. i'll call you later.' she hung up.

i could hear a frustrated and upset tone creeping in. the other morning, when i had made an appointment to look at the apartment that we'll be subletting for the summer, she didn't want to get up and come with me. 'sometimes you can be such a bitch in the mornings.'

'i'm not being a bitch.' she was crying, upset.

'it's just that this is really important. this is our first apartment together. if i had known you weren't going to be working i would have scheduled the appointment for later. but i didn't. when i found out you weren't working i was really excited that we could go to see it together.'

she ended up getting up and coming with me. i think she was glad she did. and we had a nice brunch at julian's later. (she slept some more on the couch in the interim.) it's not a good feeling to make her cry though, even if it's just overtired moodiness.

she finally called me back while i was writing this. ten o'clock. was still kind of oppositional. 'i'm at home and i'm watching tv.' short and curt. last night she loved me and couldn't wait until today so that she could see me. and i think now she does expect me to come over, but it seems more out of a perfunctory sense of obligation than of burning desire.