magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

it's probably worth pointing out that a lot of the time i use magicbeans as a forum to bitch about things that really aren't all that much of a big deal. yesterday for instance, things turned out fine.

i spoke to george on the phone tonight. he asked how i was doing. i said 'pretty well, actually.' and he seemed surprised. 'no, really, i'm happy for the most part. although i guess i'm still giving off some sort of discontented, chronic depression sort of vibe.' the complaining has something to do with that.

last wednesday night stef was really upset. she didn't even really want to see me, but i couldn't just let it be, told her i was coming over. 'why aren't you ever happy?' she asked. 'why doesn't it make you happy to be with me, to know that i'm happy? you could have a headache, or your little toe could hurt, and it ruins the rest of your day. i'm overcompensating. i'm always trying to make sure that you're okay. i can't keep it up.'

sometimes when we go out i don't have a good time. and i've never been the type of person to put on a fake public face. but it came as a surprise to me that she felt i was fundamentally unhappy. 'i don't know what i can do,' i said. 'you are such a wonderful thing in my life. i feel like i am much happier than i've been at points in my past. maybe that's still not enough. maybe i need to go on antidepressants.'

so i tried harder for a couple of days. and aside from yesterday, when i was snappy with her on the phone and then complained about it all here, i think i've been doing an okay job. i do realize that i'm still living very much in the future though, i'm always just going through the motions to get to the next step. which is endemic in our culture, but doesn't really foster any sense of contentment, and could very easily lead me back down that slippery slope.