magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

christmas day. my insides are tied up in knots. i woke up thinking about last thursday. the day before we left austin. stef worked a double, but on her break we went out to lunch and some christmas shopping. 'burritos?' she asked. she had been suggesting the burrito place for a week, at least, i hadn't really felt like it. i said 'sure,' with a smile, 'you've been wanting to go for a while.' i should have been more open to it all along. in line at the burrito place she always nuzzles up against me. i'm pretty sure she did it last week. (although she would probably say she's pretty sure she didn't.)

'could we go by that place with the organic bedding on the way home? i'm sure they have something perfect for sarah.' and in that store, shopping for christmas gifts, there was no sign of a couple about to break up. 'c'mere, look at this,' she'd say. or, 'would my mom like this? or does it need to be something bigger?' and 'yeah, i saw that too. cool, huh?'.

later, after her dinner shift, she called. 'if you don't want to come out, i can just drink my shift beer and then get a ride home.' i had already put on my sweater. maybe even shoes. i had been planning to come out. but i let her assumption that i wasn't stand. i probably should have said, 'no, that's cool, i want to come out.' but, i can't second guess every little thing, wonder if that was the thing that pushed her too far.

(nearly two and a half years ago, teary-eyed, stef says: 'don't you wish that we could be each other's everything?')

---

later. we've eaten waffles, opened the few presents that there were, and started to disperse. sam's taken off. aaron will be back for dinner, but is headed home.

i miss you so much.

it was nice having family around, but it didn't last very long. and i'm sure that you are uncomfortable thinking of us as family, but you are to me. you're my stephany. and i miss you.

---

half an hour on the phone with stef. 'don't you know by now that if you tell me to do something i'm going to do the opposite? that if you just left things alone for a while i might miss you.' why do you have to leave those little holes open for hope? but yes, i know. it's just that i have to try.

called dad and annette. annette offered: 'would she consider couple's counseling?' that was the first thing i ask stef in the car after the initial shock. she dismissed it outright. she downplayed the significance of our relationship.

back on the phone with stef: 'we were in a good place, right?'

'when?'

'when we moved to texas.'

'i wouldn't have moved there with you if we weren't.'

'and that doesn't mean anything to you now?'

but there was no swaying her. and i'm all tied up inside.