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1 January 2004
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1.00am EST: LLLS
it is painful to be away from her. it is because she has been such a large part of my life for so long, and because i had just accepted it as a given that she would continue to fill that same roll for the foreseeable future. even if the circumstances were different, if i knew that i was returning to her (or her to me) after a specified (or unspecified) period of time, it would still hurt to be apart from her for this long. it is only compounded by the possibility (as much as i am loath to admit it) that this separation could be permanent.
and, i really don't think this is yet all set in stone. the things she has said are the same things that she said a year and a half ago. and while reconciliation may be harder at a distance of two thousand miles than it was at twenty feet, i still want to believe that it is possible.
i want to marry this woman. i know that at times she has felt the same way. if she needs this time to figure a little bit more of herself out, i need to respect that. i wish that it could have been done in a different way. i know that i may eventually have to acknowledge the possibility that our lives will go in different directions. i know that she is not the only woman in the world with whom i could foreseeably want to spend my life. but she is still the one with whom i want to spend my life right now, and i still have hope that she will come to the conclusion that i am the person with whom the same is true for her.
waking up this morning, the first morning of a new year, was, like every morning for the past handful of days, painful. by noon, daniel, jeanette, and i headed out for brunch, and i was feeling a little more at ease. but, after returning to their house i started feeling ill: some nausea, some nervousness, an emptiness in my chest. maybe i'm coming down with the flu. maybe it's my jangled up emotions manifesting themselves physically. this afternoon, we all went for a walk in the woods behind their house. it felt good to be out and doing something, and after they decided to turn around and head back i continued on by myself for a while. it was soothing, in a way, but didn't stop the constant flood of thoughts about stef.
and then it's dark again. and i don't want to be here in this wintry-ness.
after daniel and jeanette went to bed the television kept me company. it makes it easier to slip out of the time and place i'm in and half imagine that when i look up from the screen i'll be sitting on our couch in austin.