magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

i dream about her, about us, nearly every night. last night's was sort of futuristically set, although we weren't much older than we are now. i was in a taxi with my mom, heading to wherever stef was. once within a certain range, she was able to transmit herself into the cab with us. she wasn't actually there, but i could see her and hear her and touch her. half an hour later we were standing in a greenhouse, it had been a while since we had been together, and it felt so nice.

and then of course there is the waking up. and lying there without her, my heart beating a little too fast, having only slept for a few hours but no more in sight.

i was up late watching television. i'm sure it was largely because of what i talked about last night, the feeling that i could look up from the tv at any time and find myself in austin.

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to daniel this morning: 'i need to figure out what i'm going to do. i don't want to offend you or anything, i mean, you guys are great and i'm so grateful that you're letting me stay here and feeding me and everything. but i hate it here. it gets dark way too early and it's cold and we're in the middle of nowhere and my phone doesn't work.'

i hate it, i hate it, i hate it.

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daniel and jeanette have a crappy pool table upstairs in the place that they are living that i've been spending a lot of time with. it's cold up there, and the table really sucks, but it beats sitting around and feeling sad all day. of course there is a flip-side, the majority of the pool i've played over the past few years has been with stef.

this isn't getting any easier. i told george on the phone today that i hate where i am, but i don't know where to go. 'you can go anywhere you want,' he said.

'but i can't go home. and that's the only place that i want to go.'

and daniel has this new scheme. a new business plan that he wants to get me involved with. and this could be the one that finally works. it seems promising. but i've been here for five days now, and we've made hardly any progress on the project. and i really feel like i'm starting to loose hold of bits of myself. this is not my environment. this is not the life i want to be living.

'i can go anywhere i want, except for the one place that i really want to go.'