magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

i composed an email to stef's ex-roommate amy but i didn't send it. i did the same thing a year and a half ago when amy was at pratt for the summer. stef has said that if amy had been around she probably wouldn't have broken up with me, amy could have talked her out of it. but i didn't send the mail this time either. i think it would just put her in the middle of something that i'm sure she doesn't want to be in the middle of.

i did try to send an email to jeremy, amy's boyfriend. he and amy and stef and i used to hang out a lot together towards the end of our time at risd. as far as i know, he and amy are still together and doing well. but the email address i had was no longer valid and the mail bounced back.

so i emailed paolo, who i know from rome, who was really good friends with jeremy's ex-roommate, and asked if he had jeremy's email address.

at which point i realized that this is getting crazy. if i really need to reach out, i need to call stef. and so i've been fighting with that urge since then. 'hi, are you ready to stop playing this game and just let me come home?' which could just be another disaster of a phone call and leave me feeling worse than i am now.

i did get email about the architecture/graphic design job in austin today. there's 10 or so hours of work a week for the next handful of weeks. before i left i told him i would be gone for a week and a half around the holidays but would be back in january. i haven't been in touch with him to tell him otherwise.

i just want to go back to my life.