magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

as i've mentioned, she's in my dreams pretty much every night. this morning, though, i woke up to a dream with her that was happening in real-time. it was morning in the dream, and i was feeling and thinking all the things that i was feeling and thinking yesterday. but, for some reason stef and i were together on a cross-country road trip. we had spent last night in a hotel, with our luggage, and with flora, and upon getting up this morning she was heading back to texas on her own (again?).

for about half an hour i had been trying to ask her if i could come home after some more time apart, but was continually interrupted, by a bellhop, by flora, by stef's own random thoughts. finally, we were sitting together on the bed and i said, 'i really want to continue calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend with the intention that i will eventually be coming back home.' i was ready for her to get mad.

'of course, i want that too.'

'and i think that we probably should consider spending a month or so apart every year.'

'we are past the point of things being convenient.' i didn't really know what that meant, but i let it slide.

'i miss you so much.'

her look said, 'yes, i know. it's really sort of redundant to say it out loud.' i let the look slide too, and hugged her, knowing that i wouldn't see her for another few weeks, but that things would hopefully turn out okay.

and then i woke up, amazed that with all the interruptions the dream had managed to continue on to a point of resolution, a little disheartened that it was only a dream, that she was only agreeing to this in my own subconscious, but a little hopeful too.

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i came this close to calling stef today. but the time slipped by, there was other stuff going on, and it didn't happen. i don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. i know that this sounds pathetic, but i feel really empty without her. and it's not just her that is missing from my life, it's the apartment i had grown accustomed to, our cat, my bed, the local coffee shop. it's a lot to loose all at once. of course she's the biggest factor, but that's not surprising. it was really about being with her after school, austin had its other reasons, but wherever i ended up, the most important feature was her presence.

i can't say any of this to her. she knows. and i know she knows. and the ball is in her court, so to speak. i can do little tings that might push her slightly in the direction i would like to end up in, as long as they don't really seam like pushing. but basically, she is the only one who has the authority to decide what she wants. and until she decides that she wants to let me back into her life, i can't force it. or even try to force it, as that will only put her on the defensive.

i've got to figure out some way to get on with my own life, no matter how paralyzing things might seem. which is much easier said than done. but saying it is a step, and it's all about taking steps. (cliche, i know. but true.)

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george drove up to visit this evening. we drove up to great barrington for sushi (this seems to be the trend with visiting friends) then came back and stayed up late talking (mostly politics) with daniel. it was a good distraction in a number of ways. we were talking about happiness in the car on the way back from dinner, and i said 'happiness is in having other people around. and creating things. for me anyway.' and yes, there's one person wit whom i've shared the most of the last few years whose proximity would add the most (in a proportionate sort of way) happiness to my life. but george is my oldest, bestest friend, and having him around is definitely a good thing too.

he's been depressed as well, and i hope the evening served as a positive couple hours in his own life too.