magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

i did eventually pass out last night. fairly early, actually, but since it gets dark so early this far north it always seems later than it really is. i woke up in the middle of the night with a splitting migraine headache. from the fireplace smoke, i'm sure. slept intermittently. dreamt that i was part of a crazy, big, rich family whose collective life was the basis of a movie, or tv show. i was a cousin, a new character introduced in a later season or a sequel. my head still hurt when i woke up, distracting me slightly from my usual emotion-based morning pain.

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after two days of playing phone tag i finally talked with stef this afternoon. it seems flora's having the hardest time of the three of us. for the first couple of months after we adopted her she would sit at the front door and cry whenever we left the apartment. i think she had just started to realize that we were always going to be coming back (as much as a cat can really know these things). and now i'm not there. stef says that flora has been peeing on my side of the bed.

as for herself, stef says she's happy. she's enjoying the state of not feeling responsible to anyone but herself. but, it's only been a week and half that she's been back in austin, and i'm still hopeful that after a while she will begin to feel that somehow it's not enough, and she'll miss having me in her life. just like the last time, and the time before that. of course even with that hope, it's still a crushing feeling to hear that she's doing okay and having fun while i've been so miserable.

when i did eventually get ahold of her this afternoon she was just headed out on her way to work, so we didn't talk for long, but i did tell her that i was still hopeful. i did tell her that i still love her dearly, and miss her. and made tentative plans to talk some more.

so it was not a terrible conversation. we both stayed civil. allowed some room for the other's point of view. but it wasn't the conversation that would ease my pain either. she didn't tell me to come home. and after hanging up the phone i broke down and cried for a while.

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the rest of the day was horrible nervous stir-craziness. i know i keep saying this, but that's because it's such a big deal: as if it wasn't enough to miss her so much, i have to be doing it here in connecticut where it's cold and dark and empty. i wasn't planning on spending the winter in new england. and it's messed me up. i just want to go home.