magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

tried to get in touch with stef again, unsuccessfully, today. but there was a message on my voicemail from laura, sounding distraught. called her back. laura and i shared a studio in rome. over the past three years we have both been in these on-again, off-again relationships. the specifics have been worlds apart, but the similarity in general trajectory has been almost uncanny. she and patrick got involved right around the same time that stef and i did. like me, she spent the year in rome largely depressed about the relationship, sort of hooked up with a few other people, but didn't really invest herself in it. she didn't know what she was coming back to when we returned from rome, figuring that things were over, but got back together with patrick fairly quickly. after a few months they split up again. she and i hung out a bit and commiserated. and then they got back together, moved in together, and started planning for the future. is this story starting to sound familiar?

a few days ago they broke up. she says that it was more of a mutual decision than in my case, but she finds herself in the same position of having no idea what she is going to do with her life. and that's really the big question, i guess.

---

i got drunk tonight for the first time since sometime in austin with stef. i've had a glass of wine or a beer here and there, a couple of martinis on new year's eve. but nothing more than the smallest buzz.

(the last time i spoke to stef, before she left for texas, she asked if i had been drinking with the boys in new york. 'no. i haven't really eaten anything much in about a week, and i just figure it would be a bad idea.'

'you're stronger than i am,' she said, 'i've been drinking pretty much every day. but i'm usually that way when i'm at home for a couple of days.')

daniel and jeanette had a party tonight. it was originally supposed to be jeanette's office christmas party, but when that was postponed at the last minute, they decided just to invite a handful of friends over. we built a fire in the fireplace of the living room, a room that they don't use and in which you could see your breath. pulled the couches in closer to it. we drank and played poker and talked.

and while it was not entirely my element (daniel and jeanette, in their thirties, are the youngsters of the group), it was nice. until i got to that point of being drunk where you're still short of passing out, but where thoughts can easily get stuck on repeat in your head. and of course i was thinking about stef.