magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

bean is not actually from antarctica. his heart is covered in paisleys.

he makes tiny little pictures and sometimes writes about his life.

Untitled.

21 January 2004

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excerpts from email with response/commentary:

Date: wed, 606am
From: jeanette
To: bean

ive been thinking about you today and wanted to tell you .. i am glad(?) impressed(?) proud(?) - i dont know the right word .. that you are so quickly starting a new adventure after such an unexpected change of events .. i know what it takes to start over and i am glad that you are embracing the opportunity, no matter the circumstances that brought you there.

thanks. it's still really tough, but what else is one to do? i could withdraw completely, but without a clear end that's even harder. a year and a half ago i decided that i couldn't be in providence if she and i weren't going to be together and i spent the next month holed up at my mom's house, but i knew that i was going back to school in the fall. this time there is no next step and i had to make one up. i'm not at all convinced i made up the right one, i'm still scared out of my mind over it all, but it is something.

'embracing' may be a little strong to describe this move, while i've been scouring craigslist and other online sources for help wanted postings the last coupe of days, i haven't really been pursuing anything. this was my new year's resolution for texas, i knew i needed to kick my own ass to find a job, but there i had the motivation of doing it in order to be actively contributing to our life as a couple. on my own i fear i'm sinking back a bit into my propensity towards not wanting to do much of anything. and that's scary too.

i believe firmly that couples are together as long as they are supposed to be and not a minute more - but i know that you can be apart from someone knowing that there will be another time for you when you are (both?) more prepared. i think you will find that although you might eventually think of her less, you will never love her less and she will always be with you in all the ways that she made you a better person for knowing her. really, that is the best tribute you can pay her.

the last time that she and i talked she told me that she knew in her heart that she was done with us as a couple. i really think she may have said this a year and a half ago too, but it doesn't hurt any less to hear. in my heart we're not done. i'm certainly not done with her. but one of us has to be wrong.

over the last few days my daydreams about the ideal outcome have changed a little. making these steps towards getting my own life together has made it too late to just go home to texas and try to patch things up. i still wish that she'd call me, and say 'i fucked up, come home.' but even if she did, i can't now. which is probably a good thing. but i still need my romantic delusion. 'if we wait two weeks i can get a cheap flight,' i say. 'i'll come down for two or three days. you can take some shifts off from work. we can hang out and see how things go.'

making the contingency plans is the only way i can really accept this move to new york. otherwise i would be so paralyzed by the letting go that i wouldn't be able to make any decisions. and i guess, if holding on in this way is what i need to do to begin to move on, that's got to be okay.

From: The Soup Peddler
Subject: soups next week: hungarian goulash and butternut squash
Date: wed, 1208pm cst

New Soupies,

You made it to the ranks of the soup list... read on through this message, and reply to order for next week. Read through my participation page if you have any questions, then feel free to ask me if you have any further confusions...

a couple of months ago i saw a teaser for a tv news story about the soup peddler. i didn't see the actual news story. but over the next few weeks i saw him on his bicycle, riding around the neighborhood, delivering soup. so i found his website and submitted an application.

a few days before leaving austin i got an email letting me know that i was in the queue and would probably be able to start receiving soup mid january. today i got the email and with it the ability to order next week's soup. of course i'm not longer in austin, and will not be there next tuesday on our neighborhood's delivery day.

i forwarded the email to stef. with no explanation, no personal note. we had talked about the soup before. i had told her that we were in line to start receiving soup in january. i don't know if she's reading email regularly. i don't know what she'll think or do when she does read it. we haven't talked in a week and a half. i hope she gets some soup. i hope she enjoys it. i hope it makes her think fondly of me.


on jeanette's suggestion:

Date: wed, 606pm
From: bean
To: The Soup Peddler

Hello Mr Soup Peddler,

I received next week's soup selections with great sadness, as I am no longer resident in beautiful Austin. My girlfriend and I are separated (she would say broken up, but I remain hopeful) and while she is still living in our cute garage apartment on Euclid Ave I am now living in the currently very cold Brooklyn, NY. I forwarded next week's soup selections on to her. I did not include any comment or explanation, as we have not spoken in a week and a half, but we had, in happier days, discussed the future arrival of your fine soups. I hope that she orders your soup. I hope that it fills her up with yummy warmth and that she thinks of me with a happy heart. I am curious if there is a way that I could pay for her soups, sneakily, as if they had been pre-paid and are merely a residual trace of my presence in her life.


From: The Soup Peddler
To: bean
Date: wed, 646pm cst

Dear oh dear, Brooklyn in winter is NO place to cure a broken heart... I know some folks that have tried it. I'm certainly willing to work with you on this surreptitious soup project, but she's got to be the one to order, to receive, etc. You can mail me payment or whatever, I can refuse her payment, etc. But you'll need to orchestrate this one, OK? Yours was a gut-wrenching email, and I surely feel your pain. Let me know what to do, and please, GO GET SOME SOUP.