magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

another crappy morning.

---

i got email from sonali today. we've exchanged a few emails, but haven't talked in over a year. she apologized for being a bad friend. i told her it takes two to perpetuate a complete lack of communication.

the last time we talked, stef and i were broken up. it was just before the school year was about to start, and i knew i was going to have to be in class with stef. i thought things were over for good, but was still hung up. sonali told me that i should move on, even if stef had second thoughts. and i sort of moved on, there was the couple of weeks with caitlin, but stef and i did get back together, and i never talked to sonali about it.

so i relayed the story of the last year or so. and in telling it all again, i felt as if i was living it all again, and once again i couldn't believe that it had come to the point that i am at now. we were so fucking happy to be with each other. where did that go?

---

last night at george's. tonight i drove up to daniel and jeanette's. it was going to be six o'clock, daniel had an appointment at four. but early afternoon he emailed to ask if i could make it closer to five. i showed up at 5.30 and hung out with jeanette for an hour until he got home. but that's cool. i've found jeanette to be a good person to talk to about all the craziness in my life.

some drinks were drunk, some food was eaten, some pot was smoked. daniel and i managed to get through about a third of the work that we were hoping to accomplish (largely because although he's less cranky, he's also considerably less productive when he's stoned). but i think we got to a place where it will be easier to wrap things up remotely. and then hopefully he'll get the funding and we can make some decent money programming part time.

---

during the car ride home there was a folk music show on npr. there were lyrics in one song, something like: 'are you ready / to be here with me / is it my lucky day? / because i've always been ready / to be here with you / if you were going my way.' sounds cheesy now, and i've probably got them wrong, but they're true. i've always been ready to spend my life with her. waiting for her to be ready too, if in fact she finds that she is going where i am going.

the next song was political. in part, at least, about september 11th. i'm not sure what the message was, but it got me crying. i am moving to the city where that terrible event happened. i was out of the country when it happened, and it was very unreal. i've been to the site since, and was numb. this was the first time that the magnitude of it, and of all the horrible things in the world, really struck something in me. and i personalized it with the utter disbelief that i could be living in such a terrible world without her to hold me. and does that somehow make me a bad person? isn't that awfully megalomaniacal? or is this the way that emotion is supposed to work?

i cried for most of the ride home. driving too fast, i'm sure, blinded by tears.