magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

after i got home last night i stayed up late, as is usual, watching movies on ifc. mimic, fairly predictable sci-fi horror, but with some decent acting. and sugartown, which was really pretty good, and almost made me want to move out to los angeles.

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so i was supposed to do brunch today with all my connecticut friends before getting on a train and heading into new york city. i had talked to both daniel and george about it within the past 24 hours. told them both that earlier was better than later. i got up about 9.30 and took a shower. daniel was logged into aim, but didn't respond to my messages. he has his idle time preferenced off and you can never tell if he's actually at his computer or not. geroge was no where to be found, and his phone just rang and rang and rang. i figured that he had plugged the line into his computer last night and forgotten to switch it. i figured he'd get up eventually, realize the problem, and give me a call.

daniel got in touch just after 11. said he had a headache, so he wanted to take a nap, but he was still up for brunch as soon as i got in touch with george, all he had to do was put on his shoes, and he was ready to be out the door.

at one, with george's phone still ringing and ringing, i decided to drive down to his place and wake him up. if he was there at all. i messaged daniel to tell him what was up. i was upset. there was no way that i would make a train earlier than the 6.20 by this point. it was probably going to be too late to get brunch anywhere by the time i got to george's and then we got to daniel's.

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i totally broke down on the trip to george's. 'how the fuck could you just leave me here? i want to go home. i just want to go home.' and lots of sobbing and tears.

but the truth of it is, i realized yesterday that austin is far enough away (temporally) that it doesn't really even feel like home anymore. i am truly homeless now. before i had a home that i just couldn't go back to. now i don't have one at all. and with this realization came the realization that i can't picture any situation in which i would be happy. none. not with stef in texas, not building theatre sets, not as a world-famous architect or rockstar. i am totally without the capacity to feel real happiness right now.

and this led to more tears and more driving too fast.

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knocked on george's door, waking him up. it was almost two. he fell like it was mid-morning, 11 at the latest. he's fighting off a cold, and apparently it just knocked him out. he felt bad about the phone line thing.

'so it might be too late for brunch, but we could still do lunch somewhere.' i've resolved myself to the 6.20 train. but now daniel's no longer online.

so george and i sit around for another three hours, there's no way i'm going to make it to new york today. at five we head out to daniel and jeanette's. if i'm going to be stuck here anyway, at least we can do dinner, which had been my original plan anyway.

we get there and george wants to sit in the car while i go in. i'm not sure why. jeanette is in the kitchen, cooking, and daniel is in the bedroom playing his video game. 'what the fuck happened to you?' i said.

'i got your last instant message and figured you were pissed and it was off.'

'but i was headed down to george's. i woke him up and then you weren't online.'

'i guess i misunderstood you. i really thought that the whole thing was off, so i napped some more because of my headache and then have just been sitting around in my pajamas playing video games. where is george?'

'he's sitting out in the car. i don't know why. we came up hoping to convince you two to come out to dinner.'

'well, i'll go tell him to come in, at least. and we can decide what to do. but i'm not sure i'm up to it.' while he was out getting geroge, jeanette told me she'd be happy to do dinner. the only thing she had really started cooking was rice, and she could take that off, no harm done. but daniel, after waffling, decided that a car ride would only set his headache off, and he'd be miserable for the rest of the night.

so george and i head off to great barrington without them. i haven't eaten anything all day, and am in a really pissy mood over all of this. i wanted to do something nice, and get together with my local friends over food before setting out on my big new adventure and their combined flakiness only served to make me upset and set me back a day. and in the end i didn't even end up getting to break bread with the lot of them.

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'the thing that i'm most upset with stef about,' i'm telling george on the way back to his house, 'among all of this..'

'is that she abandoned you here?' he finishes my sentence.

and this is the word that i've been rolling around inside my skull since this afternoon, polishing and shining it up. 'yeah, that she abandoned me here. in the cold.'

and a bit later he asks, somewhat rhetorically, 'why do we live in these winters, if we hate them so much?'

i answer anyway, 'i wasn't planning on it. i was done. i had seen my last new england winter. this wasn't my choice.'

'i guess i was speaking more for myself. i remember when winters used to be okay, when you could have fun in the cold and them come inside and get warm.'

'that's when people could afford to heat their homes.'

we pick up the conversation again at his place, which is in fact cold. the whole building uses only radiant heat, which could be really nice, but it's all on one thermostat, and his unit is the furthest from it and the boiler. 'i guess you're right,' he tells me. 'my parents keep their house at 62. and i'm not sure it actually saves them anything.'