magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

have i mentioned recently how much i hate waking up? yesterday morning, in the shower, i was thinking about how my hair has gotten a little bushy, about how stef has been the only person to cut it over the past year. last night i dreamt that i cut it myself (as i used to do), and then saw stef. and she pointed out all the parts i did a bad job on. 'as much as i gave you a hard time about it,' i told her, 'i really liked the fact that you cut my hair.'

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i sent off an application to appear on queer eye for the straight guy today. i told my tale of woe, and then:

So that's my sad story, but why does it mean that the Fab Five should come and make me over? I'll tell you why. A part of me is still waiting for her to call and tell me she's sorry, she fucked up, she wants me to come home. But, I realize that that may not happen for a while, or at all, and that I need to work on putting my life back on track. Towards that end I'm moving to Brooklyn. I've never thought I would live in New York. As recently as a month ago I was in the city visiting friends and told them 'I could never live here, it's dirty and crowded and cold and everything that I don't need.' And then I got an idea into my head that maybe New York wouldn't be so bad for me after all. I've got friends there. There's more opportunities for work and distraction and meeting new people. Within a week I had found a place to live. This afternoon I'm going to be bringing my one bag to my new place. I've got a week's worth of clothes, my laptop, my cell phone, a pillow, and two books.

This is where the Fab Five come into the picture. What better way for a straight man to get his life back together after a crushing breakup than with the help of five fairy godfathers. Granted, I'm starting from next to nothing, and so the scene of tearing though the house and ridiculing all of my possessions would be awfully short (unless plans were made for a trip to Stef's mom's basement in Templeton, MA or my apartment in Austin). I need to find my way in the world again, and I need a little help.

Is there a single big even that I am working up to? I'm not sure, there's certainly a few possibilities. The most cliche would be to host a housewarming/welcome to New York/come help Bean kick off his fabulous new life party for all my local friends (and anyone else we could get to fly or drive in). The most potentially disastrous would be to fly the newly revamped me down to Austin to confront/attempt to reconcile with/propose to/tell off the girl whose act of abandoning me set the whole thing in motion. And then there's always the safer 'new look to find a new woman' plan of action, although rebounding, as I am, I'm sure I'd make a terrible boyfriend right now. Then again, the help of five gay men could make all the difference.

stef and i used to watch queer eye together, and i was bummed that they only made over straight guys in new york. now i am in new york. and i've got to find something good to come out of all of this.

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monday is not as convenient a day to move into a new place as sunday. left messages for my new roommates when i got into the city at 4.30. the one who i have heard back from (it's 6.30 now) won't be home until 10.30. chris is at work, er!n's voicemail picked up when i tried her, so she's probably at school. i'm sitting at veg-city for lunch/dinner. the service has been terrible, but it's not as if i have anywhere to be, and it's warm in there. but, i have heard the whole loop of the music they are playing, a good third of which makes me think of stef for one reason or another. so i think i do have to get out of here and do something soon. if they ever give me the check..

---

It's 7ish on Monday evening.
We both get on the L at 6th Ave
and wait a handful of minutes
while the train is stopped at the platform.

You are wearing black boots, jeans,
a black puffy jacket with the smallest
hint of a seafoam green sweater
peeking out from the cuffs,
and a black knit cap. You have blue eyes
and little, square, dangling earrings.
You have a bag at your feet,
a cloth briefcase or laptop bag,
and are reading from a big book
that looks like an encyclopaedia volume
or case law reference.

I am standing at the doors
directly across the train,
wearing an orange hoodie
and silly, white, sweatshirt cap.
I have green boots
and a green messenger bag
and green glasses
(and sometimes green eyes).
I am slightly unshaven although
usually not as much so.

I think, 'now is the time
to practise being a little less
shy,' but I say nothing.

You get off at Union Square
as the train fills up
and continues on to Brooklyn.

---

ended up at paolo's. he's always home, what with all the work he has to do. sat on their couch, started feeling stuffed up, and used their wireless ethernet, waiting to hear back from rob or marie. they called just shy of ten to tell me that they were leaving manhattan and should be home within half an hour. 'should i call you when we get home?' marie asks, 'or do you want to just meet us there?'

'you probably should call when you get there, just in case. there was some trouble with the L when i came out to brooklyn earlier.' which actually wasn't so bad. the lights on the train were off for a good portion of the trip. i've been on subways where they blinked on and off before, but riding the train in the dark is actually pretty cool.

marie eventually called me back around midnight. there had been more problems with L, and it was only coming as far as the first stop in brooklyn. there were shuttle busses running instead, but they were crowded and rob may have had his bike, so they ended up taking another train, the J, probably, and walking from a station a good deal further off.

i wasn't looking forward to walking the mile plus from paolo's in the cold, and i'm unfamiliar enough with the subways as it us, let alone figuring out a subway replacement shuttle bus. but, as it turns out, paolo has his car here, and offered to give me a ride. paolo is one of those really nice people.

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[ i originally quoted some spam here. a message about how i had won a 2.5 million dollar sweepstakes from the netherlands. it was fraught with internal contradictions and was somewhat funny on the first read, but after two attempts to reformat it, it just got tiresome. like all the other spam. ]

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marie set me up with an air mattress, and loaner sheets and blankets until i get things together. which is also really nice. and necessary, as it's freezing in my new place. it wasn't this cold the two previous times that i came out here. but now that i'm moving in it's cold. not quite see your breath cold. but cold enough that you don't want to take your jacket and hat off. we'll see how this goes.