magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

i slept terribly. i usually do on my first night in a new bed. but it was also cold and of course there is everything else that this move represents, the reluctant letting go of another part of my life.

i woke up cold, which had that advantage of distracting me from any other unhappy thoughts, but was still no fun whatsoever.

i've got to settle into this place, get comfortable, find myself. but i'm not sure i can do that under these conditions. it's cold, and the cold only makes me feel that much emptier. there's been a big snowstorm looming for days, and a cold looming inside of me, and my muscles ache. you can't really settle in when you are physically uncomfortable.

i'm at chris's. it's a bit after two. he's in his basement, working on his band saw, because his landlord has told him that he has to move it by the end of the month and he's got stuff he wants to finish. we might go out for lunch in a bit, or he may be off to work, but in the meantime it's warm here, and that's the big thing right now.

i spent half an hour or so looking through the 2002 risd 'yearbox', a box of photos that served as the yearbook for that year (not my last year at risd, but my senior year, so all us architecture kids were in there even though we weren't graduating). stef hated her picture. she and amy are sitting in front of the cable car. she is in full profile, an angle from which she doesn't like the way she looks. she's looking across the street, squinting some. i think she looks beautiful. i miss risd stef. risd stef and i have always worked together. all the problems that we had in rome, and in the six months that followed, originated in union station (brewpub) stef. in austin the problems were really with bitter end (also brewpub) stef. i know that her work personality is a big part of her personality and it is something that i will have to learn to accept (if i am ever again given the chance). but it is also that side of her that doesn't feel the same things for me that the school side of her personality does. it is risd stef that fell in love with me. that kept coming back to me. and i fear that risd stef is so far away from austin that she has lost touch with that side of herself completely.

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chris went to work. i walked home with the electric radiator that he can't use because it trips the circuits in his house. it is a short-ish walk, but my hands were numb through by the time i got there. i warmed them under running water and then walked to the health food store around the corner. it is smaller than i thought it would be. back home, i made soup from a can. i didn't realize until i was eating it that it is the same variety of soup that the soup peddler would have brought to my door in austin today. which made me sad. i called paolo and asked if my computer could come play with their wireless ethernet.

i've been sitting on their couch for the better part of the last five and a half hours. searching for jobs. half-heartedly (or considerably less than that, really) browsing the craigslist personals.

stef popped up in my buddy list briefly, and broke my heart. i should just take her name off, but i can't bring myself to. i chatted with jeanette for half an hour. she's quit her job. she and daniel and moving out in two weeks. probably to st louis first, and then on to phoenix. i know she's needed the change of scenery. i hope the move serves him well too.