magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

i was woken up by a a phone call from a producer at queer eye for the straight guy. they want me to come in for an interview/audition tomorrow afternoon. i was way too excited to fall back asleep, although i tried for about an hour. i'm too excited to talk about it with anyone, for fear of bursting that bubble. for fear of jinxing it. or maybe because it feels very unreal in a way, as if i must have dreamt it, and talking about it would expose it for the false memory that it is. but, it really did happen. they want me to come in. they want me to bring photos of my place.

so i headed out to manhattan for bagels and a disposable camera. both of which i could find in brooklyn, i'm sure. but the ride was good. some time to reflect about what this could mean. this could be the big thing that comes out of all this awfulness. it could be the first big thing. it's got my heart all aflutter.

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out of the subway, on the way back to my place, i ran into alex.l coming the other way. i had heard that he was my neighbor out here. every time i've been out to the subway station or back i've been half expecting to see him. i gave him the abridged version of my story. he told me about the restaurant a few blocks over that he's delivering food for. 'they've got some vegan options,' he offered. we talked for a few minutes until the cold and the wind drove us back onto our own paths, me inside to take photos, and him into the subway.

i took pictures. i hung a clear, plastic painter's tarp up in my room to serve as a ceiling and keep the heat in. just the body heat i gave off while hanging it seemed to heat the room about two degrees. if i run the electric radiator for half an hour before i go to sleep at night it should make the room nice and toasty.

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marie is really into movies and has a fairly large dvd collection. she and rob and i just watched pirates of the caribbean tonight. as the movie ended i realized that i had completely forgotten that the last month and a half had happened. and it's not so much that i was transported into the reality of the movie, although that is part of it, but it is more that the little part of my brain that keeps track of my life outside of the movie, where i am, who i am with, got displaced. when the movie ended i expected to readjust my vision and find myself, i don't know where, but not here. it felt like mid-afternoon instead of two in the morning. it felt like late fall or maybe spring. it felt like the lights were going to come on and i was going to adjust my eyes and walk out of the movie theatre, taking stef's hand, smiling into the sunlight.