magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

up again at seven. same routine, but instead of sitting and eating my bagel i got it to go and stopped at the midtown post office on my way into work. last night on the way home i bought a bag of jolly ranchers and a sheet of fluorescent pink posterboard. i cut the posterboard into strips and crinkled it up. on one strip i wrote a note in my 'for fancy and artistic occasions only' cursive handwriting:

stef, i know that valentine's day is a hard day for you and you tend to push people away, so i wanted to send you a little something sweet, a little sugar to pick you up in case you are feeling down. you are pretty when you smile. llls, bean.

i probably should have ended it, 'you're even prettier when you are smiling.' because she's beautiful all the time. but i think she knows i feel that way.

and work, and some continuing projects from yesterday, and some new projects. i spent an hour walking around chelsea looking for laminate samples. looking for retro-futurist-modern hanging lamps online. scanning. cutting stuff out and sticking it back together. printing. i'm not making it sound all that interesting today, and it doesn't compare to visiting a big-time tv show set on my first day, but i'm still very much enjoying it.

i worked past six again, in spite of the whole not getting paid nearly enough to work overtime thing. basically waiting to see if alex was going to call about meeting over soup. when she didn't, i walked crosstown to check out a vegetarian chinese restaurant a few avenues over. i'm glad that i decided not to try to go there for lunch. one, because i always forget how much longer manhattan blocks are in the east/west direction than in the north/south direction. and two, because they were closed, possibly for remodeling, but it looked like for good.

from the minute that i set foot outside the building i felt the same sort of crushing depression that i did after work yesterday. the hole that stef has left in my life is so much more tangible when set in contrast with the workday. i wandered down third avenue. my mind wandered as well, but everything i saw kept bringing it back to her.

i watched 24 when i got home. while i watched every episode during the first half of the season, i hadn't watched since i was in texas and had no idea what was going on. this season was a little over the top anyway, in terms of drama, action, and plot-twists. so yeah, whatever.

and then marie wanted to watch a movie. 'a gay movie? or a straight movie?' she said. 'or a tranny movie? although i think i only have one or two of those.'

after some discussion she was about to choose a lesbian movie. 'you know,' i said, 'i think i'd rather watch a movie about gay men than lesbians.' i've kind of had enough of women. women make me think about stef. maybe i should try dating boys.