magicbeans. nothing if not awkward.

while i did get to bed a little earlier last night, this morning was a repeat of yesterday morning. i tried my hardest to stay in bed, to get as much rest as i could, to return to my dreams. i think i may have ended up with close to eight hours of sleep, but the last bit of it was fraught with thoughts of her.

i had been dreaming about a three day train trip that was a little like a cruise. it stopped at exciting places and there were these short little adventures off of the train. i was traveling with two friends, a boy and a girl. there was the beginnings of a relationship budding with the girl, the first thoughts of getting over stef, but as often happens in dreams identities were a little fluid. while i was moving on from stef (who was still in the nebulously mythic 'austin'), this girl on the train was also stef, a facet of her with whom i had maybe flirted years ago, but not the facet i had ever been involved with. the identity of the boy was in flux as well, eventually towards the end settling into an approximation of george, maybe a few years younger. none of this seemed weird until i woke up out of it.

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it's just so easy to forget sometimes. even in the midst of doing something that seems antithetical to the act of forgetting. i was looking for a scrap of paper to jot down the address of a vegan chinese restaurant in manhattan. the first thing i came across was a receipt from the post office. for the valentine's day candy and note that i mailed to stef. i paid the extra 45¢ for delivery confirmation. there hasn't been any info on the package's whereabouts since it was accepted at the midtown post office on tuesday morning. so it's either lost or delayed, or it did arrive but the mailman didn't scan the barcode. in any case, it's all stuff that shouldn't leave room for forgetting that we're almost 2000 miles away, or that we haven't spoken in over a month. but even with all of this very much in the forefront of my mind, i still forget. i still catch the tail of a stray thought based upon the fundamental notion that we're still together and everything is going to be okay.

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6.00pm: i could explode into a sobbing mess of tears at any moment.

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8.30pm: i feel a little better, having left the house and eating a protein rich dinner. reading on the train. some fresh, but cold, air. and in a little bit i'll probably just end up turning the tv on and my mind off.